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Leela and other Doctor Who companions that should come back next, by a dad

BONNIE Langford’s return to Doctor Who has sent ageing nerds into a frenzy, but the show could do better. Dad Roy Hobbs explains which former companions he lusted over should return next.

Leela

Louise Jameson’s leather bikini-clad, tribal warrior character was a crucial part of the show’s history and my personal sexual awakening. Failing to bring her back would be a brutal snub to long-term fans who spent hours ogling over pictures of her in Doctor Who Weekly. Maybe lose the suggestion of blackface though to make her more palatable for modern audiences.

Peri

Most Doctor Who companions were nothing more than underwritten eye candy. Take Peri, an American botany student who never really played up to these personality traits. Not that anyone really cared though as she spent most of her time jiggling over uneven terrain in a tight, low-cut top. Bring her back exactly as she was, no notes.

Romana II

The thinking fan’s crumpet, beloved by both Richard Dawkins and former Doctor Who himself Tom Baker. They could bring her back in a story where the only way to save the universe is to mud wrestle a baddie played by Samantha Fox. Admittedly not the best plot idea ever, but it’s better than anything the show’s cranked out in the last few years.

That Australian air hostess one

I can’t remember her bloody name. It was way back in the Eighties when the rot started to set in. All I remember is that she wore a leather skirt while fighting the Daleks and got possessed by an evil snake. I’ll have to Google her to jog my memory, so leave me alone for a few minutes while I do my research.

Karen Gillan

The miniskirted Scottish beauty is the best part of the revival by a country mile. Even when the plots disappeared up their own backside, I would still happily sit through 45 minutes of incoherent bollocks if she was in it. It’s the same reason I watched the new Jumanji films and Guardians of the Galaxy. God knows nothing else about them appealed.

Kylie Minogue

A choice that fans of any sexuality can agree on. Camp Whovians will lap up anything the pop diva does, while greying horndogs like myself will enjoy watching her run around in a skimpy outfit. I don’t care that she’s not technically a proper companion. She was in that David Tennant episode, doesn’t that count? Don’t take this away from me.

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Crispy Pancakes, Pop-Tarts, and other processed food that never did you any harm, probably

THERE’S a lot of concern over processed food nowadays but you grew up eating Angel Delight and you’re fine. So far. Here are some other old favourites to worry about:

Crispy Pancakes

A pancake full of minced beef or cheese and ham, covered in breadcrumbs and frozen? What lunatic invented this? It didn’t matter back in the 80s, as they were delicious, convenient and no one gave a shit that they were chock full of chemical colourings and stabilisers. They’d have told you to stick your avocados and bulgar wheat where the sun doesn’t shine.

Pop-Tarts

A Pop-Tart has been through so many processes that it probably shouldn’t be legally classified as food anymore, and they contain an absolute f**k load of sugar, corn syrup, palm oil and other worrying substances. However, the part of your brain that will forever remain an 80s kid still cannot resist that sweet, moreish smell wafting out of the toaster.

Angel Delight

What even is this? Add milk to coloured powder and it creates a claggy, oddly textured dessert in seconds. Every single flavour tasted vile, and yet that didn’t stop it being viewed as a sophisticated pudding that the whole family welcomed to the tea table with the same appreciation people today reserve for matcha and pomegranate panna cotta.

Billy Bear ham

Pork is pretty natural, right? Well, yes, but not after it has been mechanically reclaimed, mixed with pea protein, ascorbic acid and diphosphates – whatever they are – and reconstituted to look like a bear. A mental idea, when you think about it, but you were the envy of the playground when you had it in your sandwiches at school.

Turkey Twizzlers

Everyone loved a Turkey Twizzler, brimming with saturated fat, salt and sugar, and covered in a chemically enhanced coating. Then Jamie Oliver turned up and ruined them for everyone, ushering in the age of actually thinking about what we put in our bodies. Healthy perhaps, but after a childnood spent mainlining e-numbers, it feels a bit dull.

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