Everyone who visited Chequers during lockdown to be honoured for bravery

BORIS Johnson has requested that the entire Chequers lockdown guest list be awarded the Victoria Cross for their bravery under fire.

The former prime minister, who is confident of getting his honours list passed because of the dirt he holds on the current incumbent, has appended all his Chequers guests with the scribbled note ‘heroes’.

Rishi Sunak, swallowing hard, said: “What could be more noble than to risk your own life for your country? And that is, I’m told, what these individuals did.

“To offer succor and comfort to a pregnant mother, Dixie Maloney took on Covid. When she walked down that long drive to the couple’s grace-and-favour country home, she knew she might not survive.

“But she put planning their wedding first. Like hundreds of others invited to Chequers throughout the first, second and third lockdowns who are braver than D-Day veterans, braver than the Tommies in the trenches, braver than Michael Caine in Zulu.

“Each and every one of them, even the strippers, will be awarded the Victoria Cross for their courage under fire and granted full legal immunity. Heroes, you have our heartfelt thanks.”

Sunak added: “Is this any more grotesquely unjust than making Nadine Dorries a life peer? No. So stop looking at me like that.”

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Female things, nonsense and getting a bit overheated: women's health issues, defined by a man

WOMEN are forever harping on about their mysterious health issues. Here I, a middle-aged man, attempt to explain them:

Hormonal mood swings

A myth if you ask me. A convenient excuse for them losing their temper, and one I’m never allowed to use.


Also known by it’s medical term: the time of the month. I don’t need to know how it works, and I don’t need to. They know where to buy their bits and pieces – one tampon per cycle, right?


Apparently a nightmare, but they would say that. Pretty sure I had it last year. Took a paracetamol and got on with it.

Polycystic Ovary Syndrome

A female thing. Sounds a bit of a faff but there’ll be a cream or something to get rid of it. If it was that serious and debilitating doctors would have found a way to cure it.

Urinary tract infection

Toilet trouble. We’ve all had stingy wee after a full day in the sun drinking nothing but Guinness. It’s that, I think.

Bacterial vaginosis

No. None of my business. That’s too much for me, sorry.

Cervical smear test

Run of the mill test. Absolutely standard, nothing intrusive or awkward about it. However, did I ever tell you about the harrowing, near-death experience that was the one time I had to have a prostate exam?


Ask your mother. Something that comes with age, and seems a bit irrational. When she wants the windows open to cool her down it’s a ‘biological need’, but when I want to buy a Mazda MX-5 I have to ‘get a grip’. Hardly fair, is it?