BORIS Johnson has requested that the entire Chequers lockdown guest list be awarded the Victoria Cross for their bravery under fire.
The former prime minister, who is confident of getting his honours list passed because of the dirt he holds on the current incumbent, has appended all his Chequers guests with the scribbled note ‘heroes’.
Rishi Sunak, swallowing hard, said: “What could be more noble than to risk your own life for your country? And that is, I’m told, what these individuals did.
“To offer succor and comfort to a pregnant mother, Dixie Maloney took on Covid. When she walked down that long drive to the couple’s grace-and-favour country home, she knew she might not survive.
“But she put planning their wedding first. Like hundreds of others invited to Chequers throughout the first, second and third lockdowns who are braver than D-Day veterans, braver than the Tommies in the trenches, braver than Michael Caine in Zulu.
“Each and every one of them, even the strippers, will be awarded the Victoria Cross for their courage under fire and granted full legal immunity. Heroes, you have our heartfelt thanks.”
Sunak added: “Is this any more grotesquely unjust than making Nadine Dorries a life peer? No. So stop looking at me like that.”
