London man called 'my darling' in shops convinced every woman in North wants to f**k him

A LONDON man who made a rare venture up North has come away believing that every female shop assistant, ticket inspector and receptionist wants to sleep with him.

Tom Logan visited Leeds for a sales conference and was shocked and excited by the amorous language with which the majority of women addressed him.

Logan said: “I thought London was supposed to be a den of iniquity, but you should hear the way the women talk up North.

“I was called darling, love, dear and pet after just a couple of minutes of talking to someone at a checkout or reception desk. One even called me ‘duck’, which must be some kinky code word for something, right?

“And these weren’t just young ladies, some of them were in their 50s and 60s. Basically flinging themselves at me. I was in Sainsburys, for God’s sake, not Ann Summers.

“In the end, after the woman who knocked on the door of my hotel room to change the towels called me ‘sweetheart’, I just dropped my trousers and told her she could have me here and now if she wanted.

“She called security and I got kicked out. Talk about mixed messages.”

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Five albums that turn 30 this year to make you feel really f**king old

HAVE you popped on Modern Life Is Rubbish thinking it’s a fairly recent release? You’re very wrong. Here are some other albums that will make you feel ancient:

Blur: Modern Life Is Rubbish

This sounded so fresh and exciting when it came out, and still does, so you’re convinced it was released nine years ago at the most. Until you see a photo of the newly reformed Blur, and they’ve become portly, craggy 55-year-olds. How the f**k has that happened? You daren’t look in the mirror, in case it’s happened to you too.

Nirvana: In Utero

As a Gen-Xer, Nirvana is the band that most represents your generation, and they’re still incredibly relevant today. Contemporary even. You mention how much you love this album to your Gen Z child who gives you a withering look and sarcastically replies ‘OK, Boomer’, which crushes your spirit completely.

Take That: Everything Changes

When this came out you sneered at your parents for listening to old-fashioned shit from 30 years ago, like Paul McCartney and Wings. Now you’re the one pining for your lost youth, and, to adult insult to injury, you’ve realised that Band On The Run wasn’t actually that bad, whereas Pray has aged pretty badly, just like your adolescent crush Mark Owen.

Haddaway: The Album

You know for a fact that this album isn’t that long in the tooth, because they play What Is Love at the club you go to once a month with your mates from school. It’s such a banger, it can’t be from the olden days. However, taking a closer look at your friend’s once youthful face, and the way it has collapsed, sagged and wrinkled, you begin to realise why the club night is advertised as spinning ‘ultra-vintage classics’.

Snoop Doggy Dogg: Doggystyle

Nope, it’s not possible that this came out 30 years ago. You know because you used to listen to it while you smoked massive blunts, ate Quavers and played video games until 3am every night. You’re still doing that now, and there’s no way you’ve wasted three decades of your life. Is there? Oh f**k.