Woman refuses to kiss husband because two days ago he touched bin juice

A WOMAN has banned all physical contact with her husband because he got bin juice on him 48 hours ago. 

Susan Traherne of Harrogate, who actually saw the refuse-exuded slime make contact with husband Barry’s bare arm, admitted that she is replused by the very sight of his corrupted flesh.

She said: “He is no longer my husband. He’s a bin man now.

“That clear substance, sticky and greasy, produced by some abominable rubbish alchemy deep in the kitchen bin’s supercompressed heart, has marked him and its mark cannot be removed.

“Yes he washed it straight away, yes he’s showered twice since but that’s not the point. Some stains are deeper than the skin.

“I might have to ask him to sleep in the spare room. I’ve barely had a wink of sleep worrying he could roll over.”

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UK rushes to save Bargain Booze by getting shitfaced

SHOPPERS across the UK are rushing to save their nearest branch of Bargain Booze by getting absolutely hammered. 

On hearing that the off licence chain was in trouble, Britons finished work at lunchtime, cancelled any plans to visit relatives and began downing all the alcohol they could.

Stephen Malley of Loughborough said: “The Booze has given me plenty over the years. Now it’s my turn to give something back.

“This crisis has really brought the community together. Everywhere I look I see fathers, pensioners, young mothers, nuns and even teenagers getting as blitzed as they can and coming back for more.

“Say what you like about us Brits, we’ll always stick up for a friend when the chips are down. It’s like It’s A Wonderful Life with more public urination.

“Now, even though I can barely stand, I’m going to walk in there and buy one more bottle of wine. Because, Bargain Booze, you’re my mate and I fucking love you.”