UK would still vote for Brexit on basis that nothing happens

BRITONS would still vote for Brexit on the basis that nothing has yet happened or is likely to happen, they have confirmed. 

Everyone agreed that since voting Brexit made little or no difference to the economy or relations with Europe, they might as well since it made them feel good.

Butcher Tom Logan said: “Brexit? What Brexit?

“We can still move anywhere in the EU without restriction, the economy’s still growing, and it looks like we’ll still be paying in exactly the same amount indefinitely.

“Indeed it seems unlikely that Brexit will ever happen, so voting Brexit actually makes no difference to anything at all.

“In that respect it’s very much like voting Conservative, or Labour.”

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Woman with fresh manicure begins countdown to buggering it up

A WOMAN with a shiny new manicure has begun her countdown to smudging, chipping or generally ruining it. 

Emma Bradford of Shrewsbury had the £18 manicure at 10am today and, based on previous experience, has high hopes that it will last an incredible eight hours.

She said: “They do an expensive super manicure that doesn’t budge, but I’m not paying the extra. What I’ll do this time is be careful.

“I can open the car door with my elbows, put the seatbelt on with my teeth, and type with all my fingers splayed backwards like the keyboard’s electrified, all of which should see me through until at least lunchtime.”

Bradford then plans to spend the afternoon not touching anything at all, before going home and somehow making herself a meal without using her hands.

She added: “I made it! I can’t believe it! I’m at the bar with a perfect manicure!

“Ah fuck, there’s a massive chip out of it. Never mind. I’m booked in again in a fortnight.”