A WOMAN is unsure whether her sex drive is decreasing due to her advancing years or due to her husband being a bellend.
Having grown concerned that her near non-existent interest in sexual intercourse was due to reaching middle age, Nikki Hollis began to suspect that it was actually caused by her husband Martin being repellent.
Hollis said: “I’ve heard that your sexual appetites change as you get older, but I think this has more to do with Martin having a mid-life crisis and buying a leather flight jacket. He doesn’t look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, he looks like Jeremy Clarkson. Or Fonzie.
“I recently went to the doctor to see whether it could be a menopausal thing, and she initially said it was likely. But then she caught sight of Martin in the waiting room and said maybe there were ‘complicating factors’.
“Why should my body get all hot and bothered in anticipation of three to four minutes of perfunctory sex with a man who gave up looking for my clitoris in 2003? Thank Christ for vibrators and Outlander, that’s all I’ll say.”
Martin Hollis said: “I can only presume she is so sexually gratified from our thrice annual love-making sessions that all her needs are catered for.”