Woman uses 'dead time' while boyfriend talks to think of what she'll say next

A WOMAN is kindly pretending to listen to her partner’s inane ramblings while deciding what to say next about herself.

Charlotte Phelps’ eyes have been glazed over in private contemplation since her boyfriend Nathan began talking in a way that serves no purpose for her or the rest of humanity around four minutes ago.

Phelps explained: “I find that as long as I nod and emit the odd ‘hmm’ noise every now and then, Nathan doesn’t notice that I’m not taking in a single word he says. 

“I find this mode of conversing really useful in keeping our relationship alive. My love for Nathan is boosted by not having to listen to his boring opinions about his boss Gail, a superficial assessment of Joe Biden’s visit to Ireland, and a recent traumatic incident involving being served an almost cold poppadum.

“Sorry, he’s about to finish making mouth sounds. Time to discuss buying some new boots.”

Boyfriend Nathan Muir said: “To be honest I barely process a word Charlotte says about shampoo or whatever. We’re very compatible like that.

“Actually I don’t know if I’ve ever listened to a complete sentence from anyone. When I’m not talking, I mostly just think about really violent bits from films on a loop.”

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Five fictional universes that don't need any more f**king adaptations

THE Harry Potter books which became films that became a theme park are being turned into a TV series. Like these other fictional universes, by now you probably wish they’d leave it alone.

Harry Potter

Mankind reached Harry Potter saturation point even before The Cursed Child bored theatregoers for five hours and Rowling trashed her legacy. Everyone already knows the story of The Boy Who Lived inside out, so what’s the point in adapting it again? At least do something creative with the IP, like a Cool Runnings-style movie about an underdog Quidditch team. On second thoughts, maybe don’t.

The Lord of the Rings

The Lord of the Rings universe is a victim of its own success. Peter Jackson created the definitive adaptation with his exquisite early Noughties trilogy, meaning a mooted reboot is bound to be shit in comparison. It’s not like Middle Earth is actually popular with audiences either. Just look at The Rings of Power, The Hobbit trilogy and the 1978 animation. It’s unlikely there are many kids in playgrounds in 2023 going ‘No, I want to be Elanor Brandyfoot!’

The Chronicles of Narnia

The world of Narnia has repeatedly flopped on the big screen, so why Netflix is keen to churn out another cinematic adaptation is anyone’s guess. You didn’t watch the BBC series, and the Radio 4 serialisation passed you by. Maybe a magic wardrobe and a talking lion with heavy Christian overtones aren’t what viewers want? Any if you are Narnia-curious, why not try reading the f**king books? Amazingly, they’ve got everything you need to know. Aslan, battles, Turkish Delight. It’s all there.

Game of Thrones

Westeros should stay where it belongs, in 2015. Back then it was a beloved fantasy epic full of political intrigue, cut-throat deaths, dragons and tits. Then it veered off into an unsatisfying final series because it didn’t have any source material to work with. If even the author has got sick of Game of Thrones, it’s a bit much to subject us to it.

Percy Jackson

Percy Jackson could be the greatest fantasy story ever told for all you know, but you can’t look past that stupid posh name. Also you have vague memories of a Percy Jackson film series that bombed, meaning it must be shit after all. Rather than bringing back this dead franchise, Disney+ should give the Fighting Fantasy books a multi-million dollar adaptation. If they’re going to waste their money, at least let 80s kids have a good nostalgia session down the pub about The Warlock of Firetop Mountain.