THE Harry Potter books which became films that became a theme park are being turned into a TV series. Like these other fictional universes, by now you probably wish they’d leave it alone.
Mankind reached Harry Potter saturation point even before The Cursed Child bored theatregoers for five hours and Rowling trashed her legacy. Everyone already knows the story of The Boy Who Lived inside out, so what’s the point in adapting it again? At least do something creative with the IP, like a Cool Runnings-style movie about an underdog Quidditch team. On second thoughts, maybe don’t.
The Lord of the Rings
The Lord of the Rings universe is a victim of its own success. Peter Jackson created the definitive adaptation with his exquisite early Noughties trilogy, meaning a mooted reboot is bound to be shit in comparison. It’s not like Middle Earth is actually popular with audiences either. Just look at The Rings of Power, The Hobbit trilogy and the 1978 animation. It’s unlikely there are many kids in playgrounds in 2023 going ‘No, I want to be Elanor Brandyfoot!’
The Chronicles of Narnia
The world of Narnia has repeatedly flopped on the big screen, so why Netflix is keen to churn out another cinematic adaptation is anyone’s guess. You didn’t watch the BBC series, and the Radio 4 serialisation passed you by. Maybe a magic wardrobe and a talking lion with heavy Christian overtones aren’t what viewers want? Any if you are Narnia-curious, why not try reading the f**king books? Amazingly, they’ve got everything you need to know. Aslan, battles, Turkish Delight. It’s all there.
Game of Thrones
Westeros should stay where it belongs, in 2015. Back then it was a beloved fantasy epic full of political intrigue, cut-throat deaths, dragons and tits. Then it veered off into an unsatisfying final series because it didn’t have any source material to work with. If even the author has got sick of Game of Thrones, it’s a bit much to subject us to it.
Percy Jackson could be the greatest fantasy story ever told for all you know, but you can’t look past that stupid posh name. Also you have vague memories of a Percy Jackson film series that bombed, meaning it must be shit after all. Rather than bringing back this dead franchise, Disney+ should give the Fighting Fantasy books a multi-million dollar adaptation. If they’re going to waste their money, at least let 80s kids have a good nostalgia session down the pub about The Warlock of Firetop Mountain.