How to interact with children now that everyone's paranoid about it

YOU can’t even mention children without someone online accusing you of being a wrong ‘un these days. Here’s how to handle it.

Don’t speak to any sprogs that aren’t yours

Just saying a friendly ‘hello’ to a child who is not part of your own family is incredibly dodgy now, so don’t do it. Blank the kids who live on your street, or their dad who spends all his time looking for things to be furious about on Twitter will come out and deck you. If you’ve ever encountered a kid, they just talk shit about dinosaurs, so you’re not missing much.

Take your kids out of sex education

Teaching children about sex and consent is extremely suspicious. So what if being informed enables them to make better life choices? Anyone who shows a child a diagram of a fallopian tube must be a paedo. Ban them from attending and tell them a vague story about a stork delivering babies instead. It’s much safer. For you, not them. They’ll be pregnant at 15.

Don’t tell them LGBTQ+ people exist

Everyone knows that the population would be 100 per cent heterosexual if the gays didn’t go around recruiting children to their cause simply by existing. Same with trans people. Which means that if you mention anything to do with the LGBTQ+ community to someone under the age of 18, you should be put in prison for not letting kids be kids.

Don’t be a drag queen

Why on earth would a drag queen want to read a story to children? Never mind that it’s a paying job they’ve been employed to do at an event organised by a library which parents have chosen to bring their children to. Or that they might just like entertaining kids. No, the only possible reason is that all drag queens are perverts, as are the parents and the trendy leftie library. So don’t be one and you won’t get needlessly slandered on GB News.

Don’t let on that you used to be one

So you used to be a child but you went through puberty and turned into an adult? Bit f**king weird, isn’t it? All that hanging around with kids when you were a child? And what did you do with the kid you used to be? Don’t tell anyone about your shameful child past, or a mob whipped up by your local paedo hunter Facebook group will be kicking down your door.

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Couple ecstatic after finding they shag marginally more than national average

A COUPLE are jubilant after reading that most people in their situation have sex 4.5 times a month, but they do it five – or even six – times.

Tom Booker and Nikki Hollis, who have been together three years, learned of their sexual prowess during their main activity as a couple, aimlessly flicking through social media.

Hollis said: “It’s important to spend quality time together, so we always spend a few hours a day side-by-side on the sofa staring at our phones in silence. That’s when I saw the link to the article.

“I wasn’t sure if we should click on it. Yes, we wanted to know we’re normal and not sexless freaks, but what if it said we should be porking 100 times a week? If I had to do that, I think I might die.”

The couple decided to take the plunge and read the clickbait, only to discover they did not know how infrequently they had sex.

Booker said: “We had to make a little chart. It wasn’t looking good but then we included when we’d tried but given up and I went from being a dried-up eunuch to a horndog lothario pornosexual.

“Whatever that is.”

Hollis added: “It averaged out to five times a month and I was no longer a frigid maiden but some sort of no-knickered filthy slut. I was so happy. 

“We had to celebrate and did so in the sexiest way we could think of. By putting on Netflix, watching hot people have sex, getting into our pyjamas and going straight to sleep.”