'Are my grotesque racial caricatures offensive?': Your golliwog questions answered

ARE you unsure whether your collection of dolls based on crude racial stereotypes is offensive? After a row about golliwogs in a pub in Essex, here’s how to tell.

Do you find them cute?

People who like golliwogs in an innocent way find them appealing, with their happy smiles and colourful clothes. Often they’re a pleasing reminder of their own childhood. If you like golliwogs because they piss off black people and liberals, your gollies may be racist.

Do you joke about lynchings in Mississippi?

When discussing the dolls, collectors tend not to reference sickening racist violence. Indeed, Enid Blyton famously wrote The Three Golliwogs and none of them gets brutally murdered by Deep South bigots. Funny, that.

Do you disingenuously claim ‘golliwog’ is nothing to do with the word ‘wog’?

When the Essex golly row emerged, Britain First’s Paul Golding was straight on Twitter claiming the word ‘wogs’ comes from British workers in Egypt being known as ‘workers on government service’. Needless to say, this is absolute bollocks, and golliwogs were invented in America in the 1890s. If you see your gollies as symbols of Britain First’s brand of white nationalism, they are definitely offensive.

Do you not see gollies as black people?

Many lovers of gollies say they never connected them with black people, which is plausible because they’re a children’s toy, not in the least bit realistic, and maybe they never encountered any black people growing up. However, if you frequently comment on gollies’ physical resemblance to actual black people, you either need an urgent trip to Specsavers or are a f**king horrible racist.

Have you had your collection valued?

A serious collector will have their golliwogs valued by an expert, and invest in display cases to keep them in mint condition. If, however, you enjoy shooting your golliwogs with an air rifle while pissed, or setting fire to them, your interest is in them is definitely the racist sort.

Have you been pictured wearing a Britain First t-shirt?

If, like the pub landlord at the centre of the row, you choose to wear a Britain First t-shirt it’s a pretty good indicator that you’re a fascist and a racist without even discussing golliwogs. And don’t make pathetic excuses – as his wife did – about wearing it solely because it was ‘convenient at the time’. Were all his Martin Luther King t-shirts in the wash?

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Man thinks girlfriend's mates will still hang out with him post break-up

A DELUSIONAL man has convinced himself that his ex’s friends will still invite him to things even though he’s no longer with her.

Oliver O’Connor was in a relationship with Francesca Johnson for two years and was regularly asked to her friends’ social occasions, a gesture she told him was because they genuinely liked him and not due to a sense of tedious obligation.

O’Connor said: “I know they knew her first, but they are definitely now my friends as much as they are hers. Or why would we have hung out so much?

“Yeah, Fran was there at pretty much every event. But there was that time Rob invited me on his stag do, and he was very careful to assure me it definitely wasn’t just to hit the right number of people for a cheap deal at the karting track.

“I haven’t heard from them since we split up last month but they’re just giving us some breathing space, and waiting for the dust to settle. They’ll be in touch soon. I know it.”

Francesca Johnson said: “Is he kidding? My mates have only mentioned him once since we broke up and that was to tell me he’s a boring dickhead and they never liked him in the first place.”