Five situations that are impossible to get through without glancing at your phone

EVEN the most exciting of scenarios cannot compete with your phone. Here are five situations where you have to give it a quick glance.

Popping to the loo

You can’t seriously be expected to empty waste from your body with only your thoughts and imagination as a distraction, not least because they both withered away decades ago. The best they could possibly muster is ‘that’s better’ or ‘I hope nobody heard that’. Best to paper over your lack of cognitive abilities by scrolling social media for the duration.

Chatting to a hot date

They’re funny. They’re gorgeous. For some reason they seem into you too. But even the hottest and most compatible of dates can’t pull your eyes away from your phone for an entire evening. At some point you’ll flick your gaze down to look at a cat meme, which makes it look like you’re not interested in them. Then you’ll wonder why they ghosted you.

During an important work meeting

Sales are down. Budgets are shrinking. Your job’s under threat. How are you supposed to confront this terrifying reality head on? Easy: quickly tap your phone to see if you’ve got any funny messages to lift your spirits. Make sure you do this under the table though or you’ll be fired faster than your boss has already got planned.

While watching TV

Actors, writers and a load of behind the scenes people have all worked their arses off to bring you an hour of well-crafted drama, and how do you repay them? By reading reviews for the episode you’re currently watching to see if it’s worth finishing. Maybe you’ve got a phone addiction? Might as well research the symptoms on your mobile while you’re glued to it.

When you’re trying to sleep

Your alarm is on your phone, which means it needs to be kept within arms reach even when you’re asleep. And you can’t drift off without listening to an audiobook at low volume. Mindlessly bouncing between social media accounts is an important part of your bedtime routine too, yet somehow your circadian rhythm is still f**ked. If only there was some explanation for this.

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Person you haven't spoken to since school would like you to join obvious pyramid scheme

A WOMAN you had forgotten existed would like you to be part of what is clearly a blatant scam.

Lauren Hewitt, who you last saw on the day of your GCSE results, has invited you to think about whether you would like less work, more money and bigger opportunities in 2023.

In a Facebook message, Hewitt said: “Hi hun, how are you? Sorry to see your dad’s been in hospital. I thought you’d love to find out more about this amazing multi-level marketing opportunity.

“I’ve been helping people discover these incredible wellness supplements for a few months now and I’ve made a fortune. If you want to be part of this highly lucrative opportunity, just Paypal me £300 for your first 50 bottles.

“Then all you have to do is sign up 15 more people to this fantastic scheme and sit back while the money rolls in. Who doesn’t want a risk-free secondary income stream? Hope your dad doesn’t die xoxo”.

Ex-classmate Emma Bradfird said: “She used to call me ‘Big Arse Bradford’ and now she wants me to send her hundreds of pounds which I will definitely never see again. She can go and get f**ked.”