Texting 'I'm on route': Things to make you lose interest in a date before it's even started

EXCITED about a date this evening? You won’t be when they do these off-putting things before it’s even begun:

Texting ‘I’m on route’

Say what you like about grammar Nazis, but there’s no excuse for being unable to correctly use a basic phrase like this. They’ll arrive expecting some fun flirtation but the first thing you’ll say is ‘It’s French for ‘on the way’, you stupid f**kwit. What else are you incapable of doing right?’ which might kill the chemistry somewhat.

Carrying a dorky backpack

You’ve booked a table at a sophisticated restaurant and they turn up with a massive, stupid rucksack which makes them look like a particularly nerdy little kid on their first day at school. After they’ve nearly knocked over an expensive vase and an old lady with it, you say you’ll just have a starter and then leg it as soon as you’re able.

Turning up in cycling gear

You were feeling pretty excited about this one and would have been happy to see their genitals at some stage, but you hadn’t banked on it being as they approach you in the pub clad head-to-toe in Lycra. It’s a no-go before they’ve already crashed their stupid ergonomic helmet down on the table and slopped your drink everywhere.

Smelling strange 

Smelling unwashed is a definite no-no, but getting a waft of something strange or overpowering as someone stands next to you at the bar is also off-putting. Whether it’s patchouli oil, fried food or a particularly rank but probably ruinously expensive perfume, you can tell a lot about someone at first whiff, most of it bad.

Finishing a call

If they’re meeting you for a date they should be giving you their full attention, so turning up half way through a phone call and expecting you to stand there like a lemon while they finish talking to their mate about Succession does not bode well for the future. Just walk away, they probably won’t even notice until you’re on the bus home.

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Middle-aged people the last generation left not watching TV with subtitles

THE generation between the ages of 43 and 58 are the last people left who are physically capable of watching TV without subtitles, it has emerged.

With young people raised on Netflix and elderly people who refuse to wear their hearing aids both needing every line spelled out to them, Gen X-ers fear they are part of a dying breed.

Tom Booker, 51, said: “Subtitles used to be reserved for the genuinely deaf and the kind of old biddies who write into the BBC complaining about mumbling, but now even my 13-year-old has them on constantly.

“I’d understand if she was watching arthouse films in foreign languages, but she never is. It’s always Cobra Kai or Love Island or some other silly bollocks.

“I asked her if she couldn’t guess what they were saying even if she’s busy looking at TikTok and painting her nails at the same time and she said it’s because she needs to be able to screenshot things to instantly turn into memes. F**k, I feel old.”

Tom’s wife Donna said: “Well, of course he doesn’t understand. He only watches things that don’t require subtitles, like football and porn.”