Woman who says 'can't complain' then does so for f**king ages

A WOMAN who began a conversation by saying she ‘knows she should count her blessings’ has gone on to moan for absolutely f**king ages.

Nikki Hollis told her friend Eleanor Shaw she wanted to ‘catch up’ when she actually meant ‘go on a massive rant about homeschooling, her job and her partner for an hour and a half’.

Shaw said: “Next time Nikki says ‘I know things could be worse for me’ I will nod grimly and tell a story about someone who has lost their job, home and dog due to Covid.

“Because if I say something supportive like ‘Yes, but your problems are still valid’ she starts whining about how her husband loads the dishwasher wrong for several laps round the park.

“Then I feel obliged to complain about something too, to make her feel better. So now even my last remaining pleasure of going for a walk with a friend is f**king miserable too.

“Next time I’m taking ear plugs.”


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I am ready to accept your apologies, says Brexiter

A BREXITER has big-heartedly agreed to accept apologies from Remainers for all their terrible lies and smears. 

Joe Turner of Mansfield has issued a statement saying that if Remainers say sorry to him for the needless division and hatred they have caused and admit Brexit has been a success, the whole thing will be forgotten.

Turner said: “We’ve got to bring this country back together. And I’m a big enough man to make the first move.

“I promise I won’t call you an idiot, or upbraid you for your metropolitan liberal elitist beliefs, or say we’d be speaking German if you’d had your way.

“I’ll be open, kind and understanding. You’ll find no judgement here. Whatever your reasons for being so catastrophically misguided that you tried to destroy Britain, I’ll accept it.

“We’ve all got to move on together. That not only means accepting you were very, very wrong, but also accepting that I and the 52 per cent were absolutely right.

“Come on. You won’t be able to enjoy the magic of post-Brexit Britain with this hanging over you. I’m waiting.”