Woman who wants some 'me time' admits she means w*nking

A WOMAN who told her boyfriend that she wants some time to ‘recharge her batteries’ has admitted that she just wants to have a w*nk in peace.

Nikki Hollis, 34, has tried using ‘me time’ as a euphemism to save them both the embarrassment of her confessing that she wants 10 minutes alone to rub one out, but with little success.

Hollis said: “When I started talking about ‘me time’, Tom thought I meant having a long, hot bath or writing a diary, or whatever ridiculous bullsh*t the covers of women’s magazines have led him to believe.

“He’s a nice man so he offered to light some candles or make me a hot water bottle, neither of which is necessary for me to have a quick wank and then watch the Eastenders omnibus on catch-up, so I just admitted the truth in the end.

“Unfortunately, he’s started using the phrase too. I preferred it when he just disappeared to the toilet for ages without saying anything because at least then I could pretend he was just having a massive sh*t.”

How to start an imaginary exercise regime

HAVE you got some great ideas for exercising but can’t manage the ‘actually doing it’ bit? Here’s how to get super-fit entirely in your own imagination.

Start out gently
If you intend to imagine going running, start with a gentle jog. This will get your brain used to imagining running, and you can build up to detailed fantasies about punishing 15-mile cross country runs without giving yourself a headache.

Visualise joining a gym
If you want to get toned and slim, there’s no substitute for putting in the hours at an imaginary gym. This has the added advantage of being completely free and all the other members looking like Chris Hemsworth or Margot Robbie in tight gym wear.

Take up that violent sport you were too scared to
Boxing and martial arts are superb exercise. With the threat of actual physical injury removed, there’s no reason why you can’t train until you’re a rock-hard Action Man like Lewis Collins. And who knows – your imaginary self-defence skills may one day help you fight off an imaginary mugger.

Make sure you’ve got the right equipment
Imagine you’ve got a good quality pair of running shoes or an expensive home gym. An imaginary injury could set you back weeks as you envisage yourself sitting glumly on the sofa with your knee in a support bandage.

Be prepared to push yourself to the limits of your imagination
Get the most out of fictitious exercise with exotic activities such as scuba diving. If you’ve really got your imagination in shape you could easily find yourself rescuing a young Debbie Harry from an evil robotic shark.