Woman won't sleep with anyone on first date unless they're quite fit

A WOMAN who refuses to have sex on the first date will abandon her morals if they are really hot and she feels like it.

Lauren Hewitt insists that she usually waits until at least the third date before sleeping with a man, but will make an exception if they look like they work out, have a decent hairline and it has been a while.

She said: “Call me old-fashioned but I think first dates are about getting to know someone. And if I learn that they have rock hard abs and a chiselled jawline then I’ll bang them behind the bus shelter later that evening.

“It’s common sense, really. Nines and tens have their pick of the ladies, so instead of wanking over what might have been I shack up with them right away. You’d be foolish not to.

“As my beloved nan used to say: ‘When you’re sitting opposite a prime slab of man meat, throw your principles and your knickers out the window.’ The old skank was right, God rest her soul.”

Hewitt’s date James Bates said: “I’ve often wondered where I sit on the scale of attractiveness. And now, as I ride the Tube home alone, I’ve got my answer: medium-to-low.”

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Why you wouldn't shag Natasha Romanoff and other conversation topics that are only acceptable in the pub

THE UK might be a country of free speech, but some conversation topics are better off confined to the pub. Including these.

Why you wouldn’t shag Natasha Romanoff

So what if she’s a super sexy spy played by Scarlett Johansson in a seductive catsuit? That means nothing to you. And over the course of the next six pints you’re going to explain why with reference to obscure details of the Marvel cinematic universe. In real life this would get you ostracised, in the pub your friends will be enthralled.

How Hitler could have won if he didn’t declare war on America

Just like any internet comment section, it’s only a matter of time until pub chat gets round to discussing Hitler. In the safe confines of a bar, people will bring up how the Fuhrer could have triumphed if he didn’t declare war on America after Pearl Harbor or if he concentrated on bombing England’s airfields instead of London. Him losing was a good thing though, remember?

The amount of time you’d be able to survive on a diet of Twix bars

You could probably live on a dozen a day without contracting diabetes. And they sell them in big boxes at wholesale prices that are very affordable. After running some quick numbers you estimate that you could probably subsist on Twixes alone for 12 years without sustaining financial losses. But what about drinks? Could you live on Tizer? Figure it out with another round of pointless chat.

Batman vs Jaws: who would win in a fight?

Jaws is a f**k off big shark that scared a community shitless, but Batman has a supply of Bat Shark Repellent. If the fight were taking place on land then your money would be on the Dark Knight, but in water Jaws will definitely come out on top. Outer space though is a whole different matter. It will never happen in any movie franchise, but you’ll kill an hour talking about it anyway.

Would you rather have tentacles for hands or flippers for feet?

Tedious would-you-rather questions are not strictly confined to the pub, but they should be because you need a steady supply of booze to endure them. Anyway the obvious answer is flippers for feet because how are you meant to eat crisps with tentacles? Although you’d probably trip over them all the time on land… maybe this deserves serious consideration after all.