All their famous shags: the good stuff every celebrity memoir leaves out

CELEBRITY memoirs are a rare, candid glimpse into their carefully-edited lives. Here are the juicy details they always sadly omit.

The famous shags

A throwaway paragraph about having a crush on Cameron Diaz doesn’t count. It’s hardly scandalous and no sexual intercourse actually took place. What the public really wants is a couple of chapters about which members of the Rolling Stones they bedded, how many times and in which positions. Preferably with accompanying Polaroids as proof.

The failed famous shags

Failed porkings are just as fascinating as successful sexual conquests, maybe even more so because it’s hilarious to imagine beautiful movie stars getting shot down. As a matter of public interest, celebrity memoirs should go into excruciating detail about which cheesy pick-up lines failed to work and which famous people turned them down.

How rich their parents are

Every celebrity memoir reads like a rags to riches miracle where the hero goes from an awkward teen to making their breakthrough film in a matter of pages. For the sake of transparency, there should be a family tree near the front which details their parents’ net worth and industry connections. Saves you looking it up on Wikipedia later.

The crimes

Celebrities obviously don’t want their life story to be used as evidence against them in a court of law, but there’s no way someone becomes incredibly famous without breaking a few rules. And once you’re a multi-millionaire you’ve at least paid a few speeding fines because they’re a trivial penalty. Even a succinct, bullet point list of historical charges would be enough.

The fights

Celebrities aren’t as perfect as their teeth suggest. They’ve made enemies in their time and words like ‘feud’ and ‘competitive relationship’ don’t do these interactions justice. Tell-all memoirs should be obliged to live up to their name by sharing tales of who beat the living shit out of whom and which celebrity came out on top.

The first draft

Who wouldn’t want to read the raw copy before ghostwriters, editors and legal experts rewrite it from the ground up? The people deserve to see a footballer’s honest first attempt at scrawling down their life story, complete with misspelled words and childlike illustrations. So what if it’s embarrassing, their immense fortune will take the edge off the humiliation.

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How to survive a weekend away with a group of people who are paid more than you

GOING away this weekend? With people who earn way more than you? Survive the ordeal without losing face or going bankrupt:

Get involved

By helping to organise the weekend you can tame your rich mates’ visions of sipping champagne on the Cote d’Azur and nudge them towards something that’s in your budget like chugging sangria in your local Slug & Lettuce. When they start sharing links to luxury gites on the WhatsApp group, you can suggest a more ‘fun’ alternative like a hostel.

Travel alone 

Your rich mates will think nothing of snapping up first class plane and train tickets, whereas you’re scraping together the money for an economy seat and checking to see if there’s a railcard you can use. By travelling alone you won’t have to put up with them checking on you in standard class while you question every single one of your life choices.

Don’t eat

Wealthy people like to eat out and insist on splitting the bill equally. They won’t notice that you only ate a starter or just drank tap water because the San Pellegrino they ordered costs about a third of your monthly pay packet. You can either take out a bank loan and eat like they do, or fake an illness, stay in the accommodation and stuff your face on the Mr Kipling pies you packed in your hand luggage. Choose wisely.

Beware of joint gifts

If the trip is for one of your rich mates’ birthdays, don’t agree to chip in for a joint gift. Flush bastards expect flash presents like a car or a conservatory or a vineyard, meanwhile you could just about stretch to a round of drinks, at a push. Isn’t a two-day holiday abroad enough for these f**kers, what more do they want?

Expect the worst

Lower your expectations then take them down a few more levels. That’s how bad holidaying with rich people will be. Taxis will be casually hailed, boat trips will be booked without a second thought, and spontaneous shopping sprees in designer clothes shops are guaranteed. Don’t expect your mates to bankroll you either, they didn’t get loaded by being generous.