BUDGET ranges sound like an excellent option in an economic crisis. Prepare for a rude awakening as you remember why you paid more for the better stuff in the first place.
Cheap loo roll
An extremely dull purchase, so why not economise? No deliberating over two or three-ply, just good old no-nonsense one-ply. This cheap buy will lose its appeal when the pervert paper tears yet again, leaving you fondling your own excrement and laughing in your face.
Instant coffee
Real coffee is understandably more popular now. Go back to instant and be reminded of student all nighters, greasy spoons and the runs. Strictly for retro fans of the Nescafe adverts.
Dodgy chicken shop wings
So cheap you’ll be too excited to care about your free-range ethics. You can get loads for £10 and the gravy and chips meal deal practically makes it a family roast dinner. Then discover it’s mostly bony scraps and sinew, and a purchase so horrible your veggie partner considers leaving.
Knockoff shampoo
Sounds as fancy as the big brands with its eucalyptus, ie. ‘chemical’, scent. Feels like normal shampoo until it completely dries your scalp out. On the plus side, it doubles as hair removal cream.
Flour
Why buy bread when you can make it more cheaply by hand? Er, because it’s incredibly hard work for a botched dough that won’t rise. Still, the yeasty odour reminds you to get that infection checked out.
Multivitamin gummies
Fruit is an expensive way to get your vitamins, particularly if it goes off after a day. Or you may have childish tastes and just hate it. These daily treats prevent you from getting scurvy and are basically Haribo approved by your doctor. Until you lose your teeth and do God-knows-what to your digestive system.
Off-licence energy drinks
Well-known energy drinks are bad enough, the ultra-cheap ones with names like ‘Terminal Shock’ are 80 per cent sugar, 19 per cent caffeine and quite possibly things found in medical bins and Petri dishes. Get addicted and you’ll have a lifetime of shakes like an alcoholic, but without the upside of ever feeling pissed.
Plastic bags
A cheap bag does the job and is a perfectly good alternative to proper bin bags. Until it splits and you’re left with foul-smelling garbage – including weird ‘juice’ – all over your kitchen. You’ve not even saved money because you’ve just used about a gallon of disinfectant spray.
No-brand laundry detergent
The lavender smell is weird and the luminous purple slop tinges the white clothes you emptied into the washing machine, which is now broken. You have a slight nagging suspicion this may have been a false economy.
White-label vodka
This pure ethanol will f**k you up for four days and tastes like Brut. You have insult added to forthcoming injury when a kindly shopper gives you some spare change and inquires where you’re sleeping.
