10 budget alternatives for your weekly shop and why you'll only buy them once

BUDGET ranges sound like an excellent option in an economic crisis. Prepare for a rude awakening as you remember why you paid more for the better stuff in the first place.

Cheap loo roll

An extremely dull purchase, so why not economise? No deliberating over two or three-ply, just good old no-nonsense one-ply. This cheap buy will lose its appeal when the pervert paper tears yet again, leaving you fondling your own excrement and laughing in your face.

Instant coffee

Real coffee is understandably more popular now. Go back to instant and be reminded of student all nighters, greasy spoons and the runs. Strictly for retro fans of the Nescafe adverts.

Dodgy chicken shop wings

So cheap you’ll be too excited to care about your free-range ethics. You can get loads for £10 and the gravy and chips meal deal practically makes it a family roast dinner. Then discover it’s mostly bony scraps and sinew, and a purchase so horrible your veggie partner considers leaving.

Knockoff shampoo

Sounds as fancy as the big brands with its eucalyptus, ie. ‘chemical’, scent. Feels like normal shampoo until it completely dries your scalp out. On the plus side, it doubles as hair removal cream.


Why buy bread when you can make it more cheaply by hand? Er, because it’s incredibly hard work for a botched dough that won’t rise. Still, the yeasty odour reminds you to get that infection checked out.

Multivitamin gummies

Fruit is an expensive way to get your vitamins, particularly if it goes off after a day. Or you may have childish tastes and just hate it. These daily treats prevent you from getting scurvy and are basically Haribo approved by your doctor. Until you lose your teeth and do God-knows-what to your digestive system.

Off-licence energy drinks

Well-known energy drinks are bad enough, the ultra-cheap ones with names like ‘Terminal Shock’ are 80 per cent sugar, 19 per cent caffeine and quite possibly things found in medical bins and Petri dishes. Get addicted and you’ll have a lifetime of shakes like an alcoholic, but without the upside of ever feeling pissed.

Plastic bags

A cheap bag does the job and is a perfectly good alternative to proper bin bags. Until it splits and you’re left with foul-smelling garbage – including weird ‘juice’ – all over your kitchen. You’ve not even saved money because you’ve just used about a gallon of disinfectant spray.

No-brand laundry detergent

The lavender smell is weird and the luminous purple slop tinges the white clothes you emptied into the washing machine, which is now broken. You have a slight nagging suspicion this may have been a false economy.

White-label vodka

This pure ethanol will f**k you up for four days and tastes like Brut. You have insult added to forthcoming injury when a kindly shopper gives you some spare change and inquires where you’re sleeping.

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Five heartless bastards who are dead against the nurses' strike

NURSES deserve more pay. It’s virtually impossible to argue otherwise. But you’re always going to find people who disagree, like these.

Jeremy Hunt

The chancellor used to be in charge of the NHS, and in both roles he hasn’t exactly helped nurses. A modest pay rise will be off the table, but expect him to make some lame gesture like applauding on the doorstep of Number 11. Yes, nurses can have a 10 per cent rise in claps. Actually it’s probably best not to give him ideas. 

The Daily Mail

Hardly a surprise but it should be mentioned. The hate rag is currently testing the waters by having a go at GP opening hours, and if that goes down well with its rabid readership of gammons, expect them to rip into nurses by the start of next week. It wouldn’t be beneath them to note that cancer patients always end up in hospital, so maybe nurses cause cancer?

Private healthcare investors

Shareholders in private healthcare will boo the nurses while loving the strikes. One step closer to a totally dysfunctional NHS and a private health insurance hellhole like the US. They’re aware that minor ailments will impoverish people and they won’t go the the doctor, but somehow when you’re making loads of money that’s fine. Just ask Michelle Mone. 

Wankers on the internet

A certain section of society hates anyone else getting anything or being happy in any way. They’re psychopaths, just very boring ones. And they’ll be there on internet comments in force, accusing nurses of being ‘ungrateful’, and making beyond-idiotic comments like: ‘When I was working, I wish I’d been lucky enough to get a fancy nurse’s uniform completely free. Scroungers.’

Your nan who needs a hip replacement

Fair enough, really. She’s been waiting years for the operation. Now she’ll have to rearrange the appointment which will be a right faff and pray there aren’t train strikes on that day. On the other hand, if the nurses don’t go on strike, things could end up so bad that nan has to do her own surgery next time.