1990s back together for reunion tour

AFTER comebacks by Pulp, Blur and the Tory recession, the entire 1990s are returning for a lucrative reunion tour.

The decade once voted the most ‘top’ and ‘sorted’ by Loaded magazine feels it retired too early in the year 2000 and could have lived forever.

The 1990s said: “It’s gonna be top. Brian Cox is going to give up science and reform D:Ream to record a new remix of Things Can Only Get Better which will be every bit as excellent as the new version of Three Lions.

“Rishi Sunak’s going to be replaced as prime minister by John Major. His missus Edwina Currie can be on the cover of FHM. The Cones Hotline is coming back, and Norman Lamont, if he’s not dead. How sorted is that?

“Chris Evans can have his old job back on Radio 1, cracking jokes about Anne Frank like it’s 1996. There’ll be loads of shit gangster films you regret renting on DVD. Peter Mandelson will be hovering on the sidelines like a f**king vampire. It truly was a magical time.

“And there’ll be lager. Loads and loads of lager.”

The decade added: “The sticking point is Oasis. Seems they won’t reform at any price. But Noel can just replace Liam with the singer from Noasis, so that’s already sorted.”

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England fans at home seize historic chance to be far more pissed than England fans at game

STAY-AT-HOME England fans are thrilled to grab the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch the game far more pissed than the fans at the match.

Fans will start drinking from lunchtime, whether at home or at work, in order to be completely hammered by 7pm while the poor bastards watching in the actual stadium are stone cold f**king sober.

Tom Logan of Reading sang: “We’re pissed at home, we’re pissed at home, we are pissed at home.

“This is going to be fantastic. All those years of watching hammered England fans throwing plastic chairs about outside foreign cafes, feeling like I couldn’t match their level of patriotic drunkenness. But now? It’s our turn.

“Watching England take on the Yanks there in Qatar? I pity you. I’ve got more chilled Stella in my fridge than in the whole Al Bayt Stadium, and I’m clearing a can every ten minutes.

“I could say it’s my personal protest against the repressive Qatari regime’s alcohol ban, and I’m drinking in solidarity with those thirsty f**kers out there listening to the England band, but I’m too pissed to lie. This is brilliant.

“If we win I might celebrate by wanking off my brother-in-law. Can’t do that either can you, you sad twats?”