A WOMAN is outraged that her friends did not beat her cheating boyfriend to death with a shovel, despite having clearly promised to do so.
Charlotte Phelps’ friends once drunkenly informed Nathan Muir that they would kill him if he was unfaithful, but are reluctant to do so now that fatal retribution is due.
Phelps said: “We were all in the pub and they were slurring and telling Nathan they love me and if he did the dirty on me, they’d beat him to death with a shovel. Now he’s shagged half the street and my sister, but I fail to see his skull being caved in.
“I keep telling them that, in the eyes of the law, they’ve entered into a binding verbal agreement. I could approach a lawyer to compel them, but I’ve got a feeling it might be a bit self-defeating in any future murder trial.
“I don’t know what their problem is – murdering a man with a shovel is very convenient. In one object you have both the implement for beating him to death and for immediately burying him. It’s the Swiss army knife of homicide implements. Only much bigger and better suited to killing Nathan.
“But my untrustworthy ‘friends’ are just spouting platitudes like ‘You’ll easily meet someone much better than that scumbag’. That’s the sensible way to look at it, but how is it helping put Nathan in a shallow grave?”
Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Yes, we did promise Charlotte we’d beat Nathan to death with a shovel, but she promised him she wouldn’t put on 20 pounds and stick a tracking app on his phone, so it’s even really.”