Woman's friends fail to keep promise to kill her boyfriend with a shovel if he cheated

29th November 2023

A WOMAN is outraged that her friends did not beat her cheating boyfriend to death with a shovel, despite having clearly promised to do so.

Charlotte Phelps’ friends once drunkenly informed Nathan Muir that they would kill him if he was unfaithful, but are reluctant to do so now that fatal retribution is due.

Phelps said: “We were all in the pub and they were slurring and telling Nathan they love me and if he did the dirty on me, they’d beat him to death with a shovel. Now he’s shagged half the street and my sister, but I fail to see his skull being caved in.

“I keep telling them that, in the eyes of the law, they’ve entered into a binding verbal agreement. I could approach a lawyer to compel them, but I’ve got a feeling it might be a bit self-defeating in any future murder trial.

“I don’t know what their problem is – murdering a man with a shovel is very convenient. In one object you have both the implement for beating him to death and for immediately burying him. It’s the Swiss army knife of homicide implements. Only much bigger and better suited to killing Nathan.

“But my untrustworthy ‘friends’ are just spouting platitudes like ‘You’ll easily meet someone much better than that scumbag’. That’s the sensible way to look at it, but how is it helping put Nathan in a shallow grave?”

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Yes, we did promise Charlotte we’d beat Nathan to death with a shovel, but she promised him she wouldn’t put on 20 pounds and stick a tracking app on his phone, so it’s even really.”

Having your tie as short as possible: Lame ways teenagers try to pimp their school uniform

29th November 2023

TEENAGERS will try anything in a pathetic attempt at rebellion. And as everyone who went to school knows, even the dullest uniform can be used to prove you don’t give a f**k.

Tie as short as possible

While having a very short tie with a massive knot is the popular choice for teenagers wanting to show how cool and anti-authoritarian they are, there’s no denying that, objectively, it looks f**king stupid. However, it’s harder for other kids to repeatedly yank and create a tiny, impossible-to-undo ‘peanut’ of a knot, so maybe classroom rebels are more into practical clothing than they realise.

Black trainers

Everyone had a kid in their year who came in wearing a pair of black Nike Air Jordans and thought none of the teachers would notice. Inevitably they did, leading to him being put in detention on a weekly basis and gaining a reputation as a cool troublemaker who was sticking it to The Man. That pupil now works in a branch of Currys and gets in trouble for the exact same thing, but The Man is a depressed 53-year-old manager called Gerald.

Rolled-up skirt

The rolled-up skirt is a sartorial classic, worn by girls for as long as school uniforms have existed. You tell your teenage daughter off for it and warn her she’ll attract the wrong kind of attention, despite the fact that you did exactly the same thing yourself and come from a generation that was a lot less savvy about sexual harassment. She calls you a hypocrite, and she’s absolutely right.

Bag covered in graffiti

Parents think a rucksack is something their child needs for carrying all their school equipment around in. But the truth is it’s a blank canvas to be covered in as many slogans and crude drawings as possible. For every ‘Drake got rizz’ there will be a badly rendered cock and balls, so it probably pays not to look too closely.

Illegal jewellery

Most schools will allow stud earrings and nothing else, but teenagers love taking the piss by trying to get away with much more ostentatious trinketry. Lads wearing diamonds, girls with huge hoops, arms full of old, smelly festival bands: you name it, they’ll try it on and then refuse to take it off, resulting in detention. Teachers actually don’t mind physical abuse, being overworked and Ofsted reports – what makes them quit is spending hours policing little dickheads who won’t remove their crusty nose rings because ‘the hole will close up’.