Monday, 8th March 2021

Your guide to coping with a partner who's an embarrassing twat

ARE you in a long-term relationship with someone you’ve realised is an embarrassing twat? Here are some common problems and what to do about them.

Dodgy opinions 

Many people with shit opinions aren’t bastards, just a bit thick. But that won’t stop you feeling embarrassed when they keep spouting things like: ‘If you ask me, transgender is just the latest fad. Like rap.’

Solution: Get them to set up a Twitter account and share their thoughts there. After 200,000 people have called them a ‘f**king shithead idiot’, they may be more circumspect.

Terrible taste in music

You may find it hard to genuinely love your partner if they subject you to endless Coldplay or repeat listenings of The Lion King soundtrack that go beyond the limits of human endurance. 

Solution: Introduce them to better music in a similar genre. You’ll get sick of U2 and Les Miserables eventually but anything is better than that Coldplay album. You know, the one nobody can remember the song titles from.

They’re overly ‘matey’ with strangers

Your toes will curl as your partner attempts to establish a fake friendship with some random bloke in a pub, or, if female, a clothes shop assistant with whom she now has a deep bond based entirely on their chromosomes. The words ‘mate’ and ‘I know!’ may feature.

Solution: Surreptitiously change your TV viewing entirely to stilted period dramas, so that they start to believe the only way to interact with strangers is: ‘Good day, sir’ and ‘Most pleasant to meet you. Goodbye.’ 

They are twats to waiters

There’s nothing worse than sitting with someone whinging about a minor problem with the food or service just to have a pathetic power trip over waiting staff.

Solution: There is no solution. Tell them to f**k off and meet someone else who doesn’t moan about a microscopic smear on a butter knife.