Your guide to dealing with the aftermath of a one-night stand

ONE-NIGHT stands can be tricky. Should you sneak off like a criminal before they wake up or sit down for a full English with their parents? Our handy guide will help.

Remember where you left your clothes

If you decide to sod off without saying goodbye, don’t end up having a 15-minute game of ‘find the pants’. Somehow that’s more embarrassing than shagging a complete stranger who says weird things during sex.

Don’t ask them what their name is

You will probably have forgotten their name the second you necked your seventh Jägerbomb, but they don’t need to know that. Also, calling them ‘mate’ will immediately clear up any confusion that this might be a continuing romance.

Don’t feign interest in them just to be polite

If you never want to see them again, don’t try to salve your guilt by pretending to admire their vast collection of rubbish action movies or commemorative Harry and Meghan thimbles. Instead say ‘Thanks!’ briskly and leg it.

Look for subtle clues that they just want you to fuck off home

Your temporary sex partner might want you to leave immediately rather than hang around all day eating their crisps and poking around their flat. Be receptive to signals such as them looking incredibly pissed off.

Lie about how amazing it was

Friends will demand to hear the salacious details of your steamy romp. If the sex was crap maintain your dignity by describing a particularly hot porn movie instead. It’s also sexier if you don’t mention you’re now totally paranoid about STDs.