Your sex problems solved, by a man who hasn't had a shag for years

PROBLEMS in the bedroom? Write in for advice from involuntary celibate Tom Logan who’s in a far worse situation than you.

Dear Tom,
I find it difficult to bring my girlfriend to orgasm. She says it doesn’t matter, but she’s clearly frustrated.
Pete, London

Tom replies:
You think that’s frustration? It’s four years since I had sex. Count yourself lucky you’re not seriously considering grab-a-granny night or starting to fancy your cat.

Dear Tom,
My boyfriend watches a lot of internet porn and I’m sure it’s affecting his sex drive. What should I do?
Lucy, Nantwich

Tom replies:
Dunno. Can he send me some links? I’ve spent so long wanking I’ve seen every video on Pornhub. Even the weird CGI ones of elves with freakishly large tits.

Dear Tom,
I love my girlfriend deeply, but I’ve always been attracted to certain men and I worry I might be gay.
Steve, Leicester

Tom replies:
Cry me a f**king river. Apparently gay blokes have pick-up bars where anyone can get laid. I’m getting so desperate I might try it. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em, right?

Dear Tom,
My boyfriend can’t become aroused without fetish costumes and spanking. How do I tell him I’m not comfortable with it?
Lianne, Glasgow

Tom replies: 
Try to keep things in perspective, Lianne. These days I’d have sex with someone dressed as Blakey from On the Buses with a broom handle up my arse if it meant getting my leg over.

Dear Tom,
I’m highly sexed but my girlfriend is only interested in the missionary position once a month. Should I find someone more compatible?
Carl, Ipswich

Tom replies:
Hark at you with your red-hot monthly sex with an actual woman. Stop moaning and be glad you’ve never abased yourself with a permanently surprised sex doll.

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Taliban to take over Middlesbrough FC

THE new rulers of Afghanistan are to buy out Middlesbrough FC for £320 million, the Premier League has confirmed.

The ultraconservative Islamists said that the purchase was made out of a lifelong love for Middlesbrough among the Taliban, who regard legendary players like Alan Foggon and Bernie Slaven as inspirations in their drive to establish an uncompromisingly hardline theocratic regime.

Donna Sheridan, spokeswoman for the consortium that fronted the offer, said: “The Taliban have offered assurances that although women, including myself, will not be allowed inside the stadium, we will be allowed within 100 yards on match days.

“Furthermore, players can be assured that they will only suffer amputations after exceptionally poor performances, and that these will even help them avoid falling foul of the FA’s ridiculous VAR handball rules.”

Jubilant supporters celebrated in front of the stadium, waving banners in support of the Taliban. Once seen as the mortal enemy of the West they are now regarded as local heroes for putting money into a club languishing in the Championship.

Fan Tom Logan said: “You’re always going to get jealous cynics dragging politics into football, even on a day of unmitigated good news like this. Well, pardon me but I’m going to slaughter a goat and fire my machine gun in the air.”