A MODEL new employee is planning to unleash her true self the second her probation period is over.
Nikki Hollis, who has spent three months going against her natural instincts by arriving on time, working well with colleagues and being productive, will be letting the full nightmare of her personality rip at 5.01pm today.
Hollis said: “Let’s just say there are going to be a lot of delayed trains on my commute from now on. I’ve arrived on time every single day for months, so it’s time for a few weekday lie-ins.
“Then I’ll ramp it up with long lunches, mysterious medical appointments and plenty of sick days. And, no, I don’t have kids to fetch but, yes, I will be leaping from my desk like a coiled spring bang on 5pm. A contract is a contact.
“And any colleague who asks me for sponsorship for their half marathon or money towards a sodding birthday cake will be passive aggressively told where to stick it. I intend to restart as I mean to go on, which is as an awful person.”
Manager Sophie Rodriguez said: “We will find a way to terminate Nikki if we need to. God, I love saying that.”