Rev Falwell Says Heaven 'Too Gay'

AMERICAN televangelist Jerry Falwell has launched an outspoken attack on Heaven after arriving there this week describing God’s Kingdom as looking like a ‘puff’s paradise’. 

The conservative US preacher, who died on Tuesday, has told friends he is disgusted by the camp décor of Heaven, which he said looked more like Liberace’s bedroom than the final resting place for Christian souls.

So alarmed is the Rev Falwell by the amount of white drapes, scatter cushions and gold leaf on display in Paradise that he has told friends he suspects God may be gay or, worse, an interior designer.

Jeremiah Johnson, a close confidant of the deceased preacher, said the Rev Falwell was “going apeshit” and had accused God of undoing all the good work he had performed on Earth.

He said: “The Reverend has devoted his life to fighting gayness in all its forms, particularly the importation of homosexual design flourishes into the normal family home.

“He had fully expected Heaven to be a model of the restrained heterosexual style he has championed instead of which it is decked out like some cross-dressing tart’s boudoir.”

A spokesman for God dismissed the Reverend’s criticisms of the Holy Father’s taste in interiors and said Falwell should “lighten up”.

He said God was looking to create a soft and unstructured look suitable for souls to relax in for the long periods they would have to spend in Heaven.

“The last thing he wants is people stuck in rows of hard-backed pews with their arses going numb after half an hour,” he said.

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Prince Harry's Butler To Serve In Iraq

IN a display of maturity and selflessness which would make his mother proud, Prince Harry has volunteered his butler to serve in Iraq.

The young prince, frustrated in his efforts to join the battle against the insurgency, has insisted that McGregor, his faithful retainer, be sent to the most dangerous districts in Basra.

"This demonstrates the Royal Family's determination to support our troops and to play their part in the war against evil," said seasoned Royal observer Norman Steele.

"Harry has grown-up and is starting to find his role. I'm sure he will be celebrating his new maturity at Boujis and Mahiki on the Fulham Road tomorrow night."

McGregor, a 34 year-old Scotsman, has no experience of army life and was brought into royal service after 12 years with P&O. He is now a private in the Rifles, and is expected to be on patrol in Basra by the end of the week.

"McGregor is a fine chap, really good sort, who'll muck in, do his bit and all that," said a Palace spokesman. "He's very lucky really, to be given a chance like this. The Prince could have picked any one of his staff but felt that McGregor possessed just the right level of pluck.

"But he won't forget about him immediately and has promised to send him a small picnic hamper from Fortnum and Masons and a copy of Tatler on the first of every month. That should keep his spirits up."

There will be no let up for the busy young Prince who will now concentrate on devising a really spectacular prank for 'Bongo' De Vere's 21st birthday bash at the end of June.