School kid who didn't revise and prayed for a miracle scared of his own powers

A SCHOOLBOY who asked for divine intervention to get out of his GCSEs is in terrified awe of the trouble he has created.

Martin Bishop, aged 16, had been putting off his revision for months and decided to turn to divine intervention for some last-minute assistance.

He said: “I’m not the first to try it, and I won’t be the last either, but I didn’t expect it to actually f**king work.

“I thought the big guy would just rustle up a freak snowstorm during the summer so nobody could get to school, or at the worst unleash a plague of frogs like in the Book of Exodus.

“Even by Old Testament standards he’s gone a bit over the top by creating a global pandemic. And how come he chose to answer this prayer but ignored all those times I begged for a snog from Kelly in maths class?

“Still, I’ve only got myself to blame. In the future I’ll work a bit harder instead of invoking the terrible wrath of a higher being.”

God said: “It’s actually just a big coincidence but it’s been funny watching Martin have a meltdown about it.”

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Coronavirus: are you judging others enough?

EVERYONE knows how important it is to wash your hands and stay indoors, but are you also judging other people’s activities enough? Try these: 

Going to the shops

Absolute panic-buying scum, all of them. Stopping hard-working NHS staff getting the healthy food they need. Make sure to tut and look daggers at them as you fill a basket with dog food because the stack in the garage is getting low.

Working from home

They might have been advised to but if they can just work in the house then it wasn’t a proper job to begin with, was it? And when they were out doing it they didn’t need to be so they were spreading the virus.

Going on public transport

Buses and trains are riddled with disease at the best of times, and now? You might as well sign your own death warrant. Walk instead.

Going for a walk

They’re out in a park. Someone with the coronavirus could have run through that park licking the fences. What they’re doing is irresponsible. They shouldn’t be allowed unless they’ve got at least one reasonably sized dog.

Not washing hands for long enough

In the toilets and somebody doesn’t sing the whole first verse of Summer of 69 while washing their hands? They’re not only going to get COVID-19, they’re probably one of these super-spreaders. Call 999.

Getting the coronavirus

There’s no excuse, is there? You’ve not got it because you’ve done everything right. They’ve therefore got it for doing something wrong. Ought to be bloody ashamed of themselves.