100 per cent of supermarket chicken looks terrifying

ALL chicken sold in supermarkets looks monstrous and evil, it has emerged.

New research by the Institute for Studies found that 100 per cent of supermarket chicken resembles some fucked up thing that lived on the bottom of a lake near a malfunctioned nuclear power station.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Whether it’s a row of pink fleshy oblongs on a tray or a weirdly humanoid plucked bird, supermarket chicken always looks like it could suddenly say ‘help me..’ in a gurgly voice.

“But then have you ever look at chickens? They’re like little dragons with eczema.”

He added: “It’s enough to make you go vegetarian for a couple of days.”

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Tough guy cyclist asserting authority with tinkle-tinkle bell

A CYCLIST who considers himself a warrior of the road announces his presence with the sound of a Disney fairy’s magic wand. 

Middle-aged systems analyst Martin Bishop, who regularly cycles wearing a T-shirt with the slogan ‘It’s not your road, it’s my fucking road’ tries to use the bell to intimidate pedestrians but instead is making them think they have been granted a single wish.

He said: “I am the absolute daddy of this shared-use path and I let everyone know it by firing out sonic warnings like Terminator 2 and his pump-action shotgun.

“Dog walkers, schoolkids, pensioners with shopping bags, they all get a blast of the Bish’s bell, but often it doesn’t really alert them and I have to say excuse me and that ruins it really.

“It’s hard to be a Mad Max-style crazed speed-demon when you’re announcing yourself like a vicar riding past a Women’s Institute cake stall, but the people will learn to fear my jingly tinkles.

“Ding ding! I’m a maniac on two wheels! Ding ding ding!”

Pedestrian Margaret Gerving, aged 72, said: “Goodness me, is it Christmas already. Earlier every year.”