20 percent of all children are Mick Jagger's

MICK Jagger is responsible for 20 percent of all human births, say researchers.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “Statistically-speaking everyone has Alexander The Great as an ancestor but everyone in the future will also have a relative who sung Paint It Black.

“Science fiction always pictures us in the future with big heads and spindly limbs and while this looks like being true, we’ll also have no hips and a tendency to randomly clap off the beat.

“Another possibility is that we spilt into two branches of evolution, with the effete progeny of Jagger ruling over the squat, grunting progeny of Mel Gibson.”

Brubaker added: “We should be thankful we won’t all end up being related to Keith Richards or humanity would become functionally immortal.”

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Stupid and evil people live longest, happiest lives

THE secret to living a long, happy life is to be nasty, unintelligent or a combination of the two, research has found. 

Studies have shown that expending energy on a high-functioning brain or exercising a social conscience can take as much as 20 years off a lifespan.

By contrast, those who rarely engage their cerebral cortex and are unfailingly hateful to their fellow man frequently live into their 90s or beyond.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Whether a central African dictator or Rupert Murdoch, we see time and again a clear link between longevity and being an absolute, unflinching bastard.

“Empathy and philosophising are all very well, but it seems both heart and brain are best preserved by using them the absolute minimum possible.

“Naturally, diet and exercise are also factors but we recommend that everyone try to be an utter fucker at least three times a week, ideally building to 60 minutes every day.”

Tom Booker of Warrington said: “Well, looks like it won’t be Granny’s last Christmas.”