Saturday, 7th December 2019

How to be a kn*bhead about wearing earbuds

THINK wireless earbuds make you look cool? Only until one falls out into your skinny macchiato. Here’s how to be even more of a twat about them.

You don’t realise they aren’t connected

With a wire, you know when it’s in. Without and you’re blasting Drake at top volume to a crowded train, wondering why it’s so quiet. Now everyone on your train knows you listen to Drake, and your commute is a commute of shame.

You don’t realise you look like a halfwit

Like vaping, earbuds are the future arriving and not looking anywhere near as cool as it did in the films. They make even the vaguely stylish into tools, and look extra-cretinous on large men in small vests at the gym.

You lose them constantly

Nestling in lint and old Rizlas in a coat pocket, perilously close to an undetected hole? Lost deep in the bottom of a handbag? Bounced out of an ear while alighting from a bus? That’s you on the hook for £70. Wouldn’t happen with a Walkman.

You have to charge them

Speaking of Walkmen, remember that horrible moment your tape slowed half a tone because the batteries were going? That doesn’t happen with earbuds. They just run out of power, so now you need to charge your headphones as well as your watch and your phone.

You insist on telling people about them

When people stare at your earbuds you presume it’s because you’re so cutting edge. They actually think you look a wanker, but don’t let that stop you from banging on about kilohertz and sound pressure until they start crying with boredom.