How to be a deeply unlikeable Remainer

BREXITERS are frequently criticised for being shouty and unreasonable, but – fair’s fair – Remainers can be obnoxious too. Here’s how:

Keep mentioning old Brexiters dying

Is it normal to keep enthusiastically pointing out that many Leavers will soon be coffin-dodging no longer? Will it win support to tell people that it’s a good thing that their brexit-backing grandmother will soon be dead?

Assume you are very, very clever

Brexiters may believe risible things about bendy bananas and Atlantic convoys, but it does not follow that you are extremely intelligent. If you think leaving the EU means you and your children can never go to Europe again you might not be the brainiac you believe.

Lean on stereotyping

‘Metropolitan elites’ is a lazy stereotype, but so are ‘thick Geordies’ and ‘retired Home Counties racists’. Such people exist in large numbers, but excluding South Shields-based rocket scientists, the Tunbridge Wells Over-65s Communist Party of Great Britain doesn’t help your cause.

Drone on about London going independent

The powerhouse economy of London might work as a separate city state, but how realistic is it, really? Britain’s crumbling rail services make getting north of Watford tough enough without border checks, and blockades by angry Northerners would see the city starve in a day.

Be a psychopath on Twitter

Be as unhinged as possible, perhaps screaming ‘THE PEOPLE WHO ARE TAKING AWAY MY HUMAN RIGHTS MUST BE MADE TO PAY’, even if in real life you are a Guardian reader who gently captures spiders and releases them into the garden.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

How to convince yourself someone fancies you

ARE you hoping a friend or colleague fancies you? Is the evidence flimsy, but open to interpretation? Talk yourself into it:

You have successfully lent them things

Accepting your offer of the loan of a book or DVD means they want to know about you. Your likes, your dislikes, that you identify with John Wick. There’s no chance they could just be mildly curious about Westworld.

They put kisses on emails

With extremely wishful thinking that ‘x’ at the end of a work email about invoices is a real kiss. If they sign one off with ‘xx’ you can plausibly claim to be ‘involved’.

They let you help them move flat

Volunteering to help someone move house, especially at short notice, is a great way to find out about them. This is definitely a sign that they have feelings for you which will blossom into love and sex, even if it turns out you are helping them move in with their boyfriend.

They invite you to the pub

In your pathetic besotted state you’ll easily ignore the fact that other people are coming too and it’s not a date – unless they also fancy nine co-workers of both sexes including the obese guy from IT support who keeps going on about Babylon 5.

You get on really well

You do! Of course, this has nothing to do with you constantly agreeing with them and buying them coffees and racking your brain for funny things to say when you talk to them.

Their partner is just a temporary mistake

If the person you want to fancy you is in a relationship, invent whatever story about it you like. If they delightedly announce they’re getting married, they just don’t want to disappoint their relatives.

Next story ›