A single initial, and other twatty ways to sign off an email

SIGNING off an email is a minefield in which you’re always just one word away from metaphorically losing a foot. Here are some of the twattiest sign-offs to avoid.

A single initial

Who the f**k do you think you are, Zorro? No well-adjusted adult concludes an email with a single capitalised letter – only serial killers writing taunting messages to the police.

‘Thanks in advance’

F**king hell, presumptuous or what? Not only does it feel more like a threat than a sign-off, the moment someone plays this card you’re in their debt. They’ve already given you their precious thank you, now you must deliver whatever it is they desire. Do my bidding, slave. 


Receiving an email that ends in ‘regards’ is like getting a rectal examination from a doctor. It’s cold and clinical and leaves you feeling sort of used and ashamed for reasons you don’t understand.

‘Warmest regards’

This is even worse than regards. It’s no longer cold and clinical. Now it sounds like you want to f**k. And even if you do, it’s weirdly stilted, suggesting you’re emotionally repressed and won’t have sex with the bedroom light on.


Best f**king what? If you can’t be arsed to do a whole sign-off then don’t bother. Fifty per cent simply isn’t good enough. It would take you approximately a second to write the word ‘wishes’, you lazy, self-centred, egotistical prick.

‘Yours sincerely’

One key thing to avoid when signing off an email is sounding like Charles Dickens. You’re typing out a message on your laptop, not describing your latest novel in a 12-page handwritten letter with your favourite f**king quill pen.


Bloody well show some decorum. It may just be an email but there are still basic rules of politeness and decency. You’re not down your local swilling pints of lager with your uncouth mates – you’re on the worldwide web. Tim Berners-Lee deserves better.

‘Sent from my iPhone. Excuse any typos’

Don’t worry about it. New and confusing technology can be really tricky to operate. Oh. Wait a second. The first iPhone was released in 2007. If you haven’t cracked it yet, that’s on you. Your typos are not f**king excused.

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Benefits fine when middle-class parents get them

FINANCIAL handouts are entirely acceptable when middle-class parents earning up to £60,000 receive them, it has emerged.

The positive reaction to yesterday’s budget has confirmed the long-held belief that benefits are not a blight on society if they go to nice families who do not misspell their children’s names and live in a detached house with a labrador called Rufus.

Mum-of-two Francesca Johnson said: “I work hard to live beyond my means in an aspirational way. I don’t see why I should be penalised for that.

“Thanks to bumping up the high-income child benefit threshold by ten grand I’ll be able to take my pretentious kids Octavia and Xander to more art galleries and National Trust properties, which is my God-given right as a middle-management office worker on an already generous pay grade.

“I’ll also be able to pay for childcare, which is ludicrously expensive. They know I read the Guardian but I still have to pay full price. It’s the worst kind of discrimination.

“Of course when the chancellor helps out low-income families I feel resentful and start secretly enjoying documentaries called things like Scrounging, Fat and on Benefits and Cap In Hand Chav Street.

“They should learn to cut their coat according to their cloth, just like I haven’t.”