Colin Firth in a wet shirt: Seven wanks that have been approved by society

COLIN Firth’s shirt from Pride and Prejudice has been auctioned for £25,000, which is a lot for a very predictable wank fantasy. Here are some more that are tediously socially acceptable.

Ross Poldark topless

In 2018 women were instructed to start wanking over Aiden Turner in the remake of the 70s historical drama Poldark. They happily complied, and it’s only fair because men had been wanking like caged monkeys over red-haired servant girl Demelza since 1975.

Tennis Girl 

Sadly Tennis Girl wasn’t her actual name and she was an 18-year-old art student called Fiona Butler who became a freelance illustrator based in Worcestershire. However the Athena poster of Tennis Girl scratching her arse played such a key role in wanking in the 70s and 80s it’s amazing any man over the age of 40 can get an erection without some manky tennis balls nearby. 

Sam Fox 

In the 80s wanking over Sam Fox was as normal and healthy as eating an apple. In 1985 you could probably have started tugging away over your copy of The Sun on the bus, and all anyone would have said was: ‘Having a good wank over Sam, mate? Smashing.’ And don’t let anyone tell you her school uniform pictures were a bit noncey – it was just encouraging teenagers to take an interest in the newly-introduced GCSEs.

Colin Firth in a wet shirt

The only problem with this is that it’s the very definition of ‘vanilla’ – nice Colin, in a clean white shirt, in a quality period drama. By all means get rubbin’ the nubbin, but also watch some proper filth on the internet as well, just in case your sexual tastes become so bland and harmless you can only climax thinking about smiling little Lego men with no genitals. 

Kim Kardashian’s arse

Is your spirit animal a sheep? Does straying too far from the flock terrify you? If so, Kim Kardashian’s mudflaps are right up your street. Everyone on the planet agrees Kim is fit but could lay off the make-up a bit, so wanking over her is as uncontroversial a choice as deciding to become an accountant who lives in suburbia. Also, contrary to popular myth, Kim’s arse didn’t break the internet. If it did, how come you got so much spunk on your keyboard?

Chris Hemsworth

Chris has pleasant but robustly masculine features and a perfectly gym-honed body, and the fact that he appears naked in the extremely mainstream PG-13 film Thor: Love and Thunder is essentially a green light for women to go ahead and rub one out. In fact he’s such ideal wanking material it’s lucky Natalie Portman is in it or your husband would be having a go too.

Farrah Fawcett in a red swimsuit 

It was practically illegal not to wank over this ubiquitous, trillion-selling poster in the 1970s, and there’s still much to enjoy today. There’s Farrah’s prominently placed nipple, her cool retro swimsuit and her f**king amazing hair, like a sexy lady Aslan. Her massive teeth are a bit terrifying, but you have to bear in mind that Jaws was all the rage in the mid-70s.

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Why we should ban over-60s from social media, by the baroness who thought an octopus was Hitler

By Baroness Foster

THE government recently argued that under-16s should be banned from social media, but it’s old people like me, the Tory peer who claimed an octopus mascot on University Challenge was antisemitic, who’ve been making making tits of ourselves. Here’s why my age group must be kept offline.

We make idiots of ourselves

Who hasn’t assumed that a fluffy octopus mascot belonging to a University Challenge team was an allusion to the tentacles of Zionism like some vile Nazi conspiracy theory? And then immediately gone on Twitter to libel an innocent student who got death threats? Alright, maybe it was just me, but after paying hefty damages I realise now it was a bad thing to do. I’ll probably do it again in a few weeks though. You know what us old people are like with the internet.

We get addicted

Imagine being a hugely successful billionaire who can afford to do literally anything with your time, and yet you choose to spend it arguing with plebs and trolls on Twitter. JK Rowling is a couple of years shy of 60, and yet she seems to be as addicted to incessantly and unhappily posting on social media as the average pensioner. Just like your mum bitterly bitching about people parking outside her house on the neighbourhood Facebook group. But more likely to hire expensive barristers to sue people.

We believe everything we read

It’s often thought that young people are naive idiots who believe any old shit they read on the internet, but us over-60s are actually worse. Remember when Jordan Peterson believed an April Fool’s joke claiming Justin Trudeau was going to spend $100 billion adding a bike lane to the TransCanada highway and went on a huge, embarrassing rant about it on Twitter? What a bellend. And there’s no bellend like an old bellend, as they say.

We lose our jobs

Can you imagine getting the sitcom you starred in back on television after a two-decade absence? And then can you imagine having it cancelled after two months because you couldn’t stop yourself from typing out racist things and posting them for all the world to see? You don’t have to imagine it if you’re Roseanne Barr. You’d think she’d know better at the grand old age of 71, but she absolutely doesn’t.

We are incapable of thinking before we post

Young people are denigrated as fools but none of them would be as f**king stupid as Danny Baker when he tweeted an image of the Duke and Duchess of Sussex holding hands with a chimpanzee with the caption ‘Royal Baby leaves hospital’. Ageing Mr Baker is an experienced broadcaster so you’d think he might have realised references to monkeys can be construed as racist, but apparently not. He’s probably a bit doddery and confused.

It’s expensive to bail us out

It’s not just me being a menace on the Worldwide Web. My fellow Tory Michelle Donelan is only 39, but she deserves an honorary place as a befuddled old dimwit with scant grasp on acceptable things to tweet after falsely accusing an academic of being pro-Hamas. Sadly, the £15,000 legal bill she racked up has been footed by the tax payer. Will she resign? Of course not. That would suggest there was some consequence for being an online idiot, and we couldn’t have that.