Alcohol leads to pointless academic research

SCIENTISTS are 100% more likely to state the obvious while drunk, it has emerged.

Researchers working on a strict tequila diet had their number of idiotic statements measured against a second test group who did not spend all morning sat on the toilet shaking making a low keening noise, with disappointing results.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “Our tequila scientists struggled with any experiment whose findings were more complicated than ‘a cool pillow feels really, really nice’ or ‘some toast might do the trick’.

“And their paper was often delivered in a barely-audible whisper while wearing dark safety goggles.

“Once we kept the lab open of a night things did get more interesting. I have high hopes for the nuclear-powered sofa and the flashing neon gerbils they developed after 38 test tube slammers.”

The research was conducted to establish why scientists have made self-evident proclamations relating to alcohol since the year 142 when Galen warned the Roman senate against driving a horse and cart after eight amphora of wine.

Brubaker initially felt that the sheltered life of the scientist meant they discovered as middle-aged adults what the rest of the world worked out when they were 17, citing as evidence his recent paper ‘The Doors Were Actually Shite’.

However, the results showed that government research grants were 12 times more likely to be awarded if they proved a pursed-mouthed, finger-wagging hypothesis that made everyone feel like an arse.

Brubaker added: “As well as making obvious comments whilst drunk, the scientific community are actively encouraged to make obvious comments about getting drunk, so it’s like a Möbius waste of everyone’s time.”


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Little Mix to release free-jazz concept album about Egyptian gods

X FACTOR winners Little Mix’s first album is to be a concept-driven free-jazz epic inspired by the ancient gods of Egypt, it has been revealed.

Although the group have found success singing the X Factor’s delightful cover versions, their self-penned material will showcase the love of avant-garde improvisational music that inspired them to launch their music careers.

Describing the 412-minute Little Mix debut album Horus: The Hidden Reality Phase One, band member Leigh-Ann Pinnock said: “One of the main reasons we get on so well is that we’re all really into Sun Ra, Coltrane and also early industrial music like Throbbing Gristle.

“Since being put together for X Factor we’ve had loads of girly chats in our pyjamas, eating Maltesers and formulating a complex system of esoteric spiritual beliefs in which the bird-headed Egyptian god Horus is the creator of the cosmos and there are twelve parallel realities or ‘Shards’.

“We see our music as an important medium for conveying the deepest secrets of the universe to pre-teenage girls.

“Although obviously we also want it to be loads of fun.”

Opening track Klengtropic Multiverse features Little Mix member Jade Thirwell playing slow, hypnotic conga rhythm in 6-8 time while Jesy Nelson, who has recently changed her name to High Priestess Imhotep Saturn, chants ‘Anubis, deep space, Anubis, find your reality’.

A Syco insider said: “We’d kind of hoped for an album about sweets and love bites but we’ll tolerate it as long as they’re achieving their cosmic revelations without drugs.

“Hopefully they’re just getting high on fizzy drinks and friendship.”