All-day drinking proved to be impossible

THERE is no such thing as all-day drinking, it has emerged.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies observed more than 700 attempts to begin drinking at 11am and continue for 12 hours, none of which succeeded but 98.85 of which thought they had. 

He said: “I realised some years ago, after a friend claimed to have done an all-dayer even though he returned home at 6.15pm, that all-day drinking had never been observed under laboratory conditions. 

“Experiments showed that participants, all of whom either switched to soft drinks, passed out or simply went home, were consistent in their belief that everyone else had continued the session without them. 

“In fact no session lasted longer than eight hours, and even when forced to with electric shocks drinkers who continued through five o’clock hangovers reported that all sensations of intoxication were gone. 

“All-day drinking has never happened. Like religious experiences, it is merely a mass hallucination of the human mind.” 

Nathan Muir of Cardiff said: “All these years I thought it was just me.

“Now humanity can finally start to be honest about its alcohol capacity.”

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Divorced parents left unattended

CONCERNS are growing after a divorced couple have been left alone together for the first time in a decade.

Carolyn Ryan and her ex-husband Bill McKay, have both attended their daughter’s 30th birthday party despite not having been in the same room since their son’s graduation eight years ago.

Although the exes claims they are ‘mature adults’ who are ‘perfectly capable’ of being civil, guests have overheard the words ‘money’, ‘liar’ and ‘spineless cheating cock-minded sack of shit’.

Their daughter Sonia said, “I can physically feel an icy chill coming off mum so I’m guessing dad is talking about his second wife.

“If he does that thing where he muddles the dates of his affairs and starts talking about a holiday he secretly took when he was still married to mum, she might set about him with a cake slice.”

Son Ronald said: “I wish they could just get on like the parents in Mrs Doubtfire at the end of the movie. The day of my graduation, I had to make sure conversation didn’t drift into any danger areas, like the whole of the past.

“They hate each other’s guts, but I know underneath all that there is also a very deep-rooted and long-standing desire to harm each other.

“It’s either going to kick off or worse still they might end up shagging.”