Angel of the North vows to destroy Morrisons

THE Angel of the North has vowed revenge against Morrisons for projecting a loaf of bread onto its wings.

The 66ft figure has opened its steel eyes and, with a terrible grinding sound, cast its burning red gaze across the landscape in search of the ones who violated its dignity.

Experts believe it will shortly take flight for aerial bombing runs on Morrisons supermarkets, depots and trucks, killing staff and shoppers alike.

Creator Anthony Gormley said: “I built the Angel of the North as a symbol of man’s indomitable spirit, which is why I included a self-upgrading artificial brain and thermonuclear weapons capabilities.

“I also programmed it to react against any perceived slight with the maximum possible aggression, in case anyone tried to do graffiti on it.”

The Angel last struck in 1998, when it vaporised  16 Newcastle United fans who dressed it in an Alan Shearer shirt, before flying down to Wembley and wreaking the ultimate revenge by scoring Arsenal’s winning goal in the FA Cup final.

Mary Fisher of Gateshead said: “Now we have awakened the Angel, it will not stop until every Morrison’s store, every loaf of bread and even Morrissey is a smoking hole in the ground.

“And after that, hopefully it’ll start on the Mackems.”

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Bosses acting like bank holiday was their idea

BOSSES are acting like the bank holiday is a special treat of their devising.

46-year-old company director Roy Hobbs said: “There’s no legal obligation to give employees the day off, I just thought it’d be nice because I am a giving, caring corporate father figure.

“And I suppose it’s something for staff to bear in mind next time I ask them to work on a Saturday.”

53-year-old boss Susan Traherne agreed: “Everybody, have this one on me because I am amazing.

“Or come in if you want, depends how much you value your prospects.”