Apple Accused Of Exaggerating How Much You Matter

APPLE has been forced to withdraw its latest iPhone advert because it exaggerates how busy you are and how significant your life is.

The TV campaign made repeated claims that you are a meaningful human being who needed an iPhone because you are at the very centre of everything that is going on and are the key member of your team.

However, the Advertising Standards Authority upheld complaints from 17 people you worked with who said you could be lying dead, face down on your desk for six months and no one would notice, unless it was your turn to get the biscuits.

A spokesman said: "According to Apple you need an iPhone to deal with emails, organise your hectic social life, and monitor fast moving world events via the Daily Mail website.

"But the reality is you need to shut up about your stupid fucking phone and just do something, anything that does not involve you being a complete arsehole."

Your secretary Helen said: "Julian Cook's office. Yes Julian, I got your email. It was from your phone was it? I didn't notice. No, there are no messages for you.

"Yes, we sorted that. It seems you inputted the wrong figures after lunch. Of course I told Chris, I had to, he's my boss too you know."

Helen added: "Yes I know it's you again, I recognise the number. No, still no messages. No emails either. Julian, did you get the biscuits or not?"

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NHS To Number Old People

ELDERLY people in hospital will be referred to by a number under new NHS guidelines.

Instead of calling older patients 'love', 'deary' or any other term that makes them feel cared for, NHS staff must bark the patient's designated serial number and ask them a list of pointed questions.

According to the guidelines a typical scenario would involve a nurse leaning over an elderly patient and shouting, 'number 16, please inform me of the current status of your condition'.

Depending on the response the staff member would then reply 'prepare to be administered with medication' or 'satisfactory, please continue with your recovery'.

Ministers are also considering a proposal to have all geriatric inmates stand by their beds once a day while a pair of snarling Dobermans searches the ward for contraband.

Health secretary Alan Johnson said: "Older people in hospital are always complaining about how the nurses are too friendly, or the way doctors keep asking them how they're feeling as if they actually care.

"One old woman even wrote to me saying she'd been given a lovely cup of tea and a delicious chocolate biscuit and demanded that the nurse responsible be dismissed or, at the very least, pushed under a bus."

Number 1785, a retired school teacher from Woking with a hiatus hernia, said: "I am number 1785. I am moderately well today. Please wheel me towards the lavatory."