Apple To Fix Malfunctioning iPad Customers

MALFUNCTIONING iPad customers are to be 'fixed', Apple confirmed last night.

The release of the game-changing screen with buttons earlier this week saw Apple shops flooded with thousands of over-excited, middle-aged media professionals looking slightly odd in their Converse baseball shoes.

However the company has admitted that many iPad buyers have experienced a mental bug which has caused them to question whether the machine works as perfectly as it obviously does.

Apple is now offering an offline 'fix' for the problem where owners hand themselves in for psychological reconditioning and massive electric shocks.

A spokesman said: "It's a simple mental readjustment to make users more compatible with their iPads.

"Through a combination of shouting and targeted electricity we are able to erase the creeping sense that they've been duped by their own pathetic desire to be cool into buying something that doesn't really work."

He added: "Clearly there can be nothing wrong with the iPad. Like all Apple products it is terrifyingly perfect, like something beamed back from a future time where everything is brilliant white and humans have evolved into beautiful androgynous beings in shiny jumpsuits who don't do poos."

Reconditioned iPad owner Tom Logan said: "My iPad works perfectly, it's simply that the rest of the universe, specifically the internet and my hotmail, has yet to fall into sync with its utter perfection.

"And before you ask, it is the ideal size and will fit perfectly into my eight-inch trouser pocket, just as soon as the imperfect universe sees fit to create such a perfect garment."


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Simon Cowell Still Very Much Alive

POP impresario Simon Cowell was once again still very much alive last night.

The man who created Shit-Factor, American Cretin and Britain Must be Stopped spent a pleasant evening at one of the luxury homes he has bought with his many millions of pounds.

Later today he is expected to drive an expensive car to a meeting where he will negotiate the commercial rights to something stale and derivative that 14 year-old girls will spend their pocket money on because they think that's all there is.

Showbiz friends paid tribute to Cowell's continued existence saying he was a natural conformist whose genius is to take something that is already mediocre and make it demonstrably poor.

Wayne Hayes, the instantly forgettable Shit-Factor semi-finalist who shocked no-one with his respect for authority and carefully ironed shirt, said: "The thing I love about Simon is that he's about five foot nine with dark hair and reasonably nice teeth."

Martin Bishop, a grade two freak from series three of Britain Must be Stopped, insisted: "If he wasn't alive I probably wouldn't miss him for more than 30 seconds and neither would you. And I think that is the ultimate tribute you can pay to a man like Simon Cowell."

Shit-Factor judge Cheryl Cole said Cowell has had a huge influence on her career, adding: "When ever I come to creative crossroads he always tells me to be more unimaginative.

"I remember once I was being interviewed by Bill Grundy and Simon phoned me up and told me to be as bland and shallow as I possibly could."

Britain Must be Stopped judge Amanda Holden added: "I am so glad that Simon's pulse is strong and that he continues to breathe in and and out.

"It is a fact that without Simon Cowell there would have been no replacement for Blind Date. He has genuinely revolutionised nothing while focusing solely on the bottom line and for that we should all be grateful."