Artemis rocket to check if moon still there

NASA’S Artemis rocket has successfully lifted off on its mission to find out whether the moon is where the last expedition left it.

The space agency plans to land a man on the lunar surface by 2025, but is first sending up a rocket to double-check that the moon is where it should be to avoid future embarrassment.

Norman Steele of Mission Control said: “Sure, we can all see the moon in the sky which gives us a good idea of its location, but it never does wrong to check.

“It could be it’s further away, or a little bit closer, or over to the left slightly, and we send our lander up in three years and it sails right past into the endless vacuum of space forever, and we look like a real set of assholes.

“So Artemis is going up there to make sure the moon ain’t pulling nothing sneaky before we risk our guys. We’re even sending a capsule round the back side to make sure China ain’t got there and kept it quiet.”

NASA head Julian Cook III said: “It’s more than 50 years since man last walked on the moon. Since then we’ve fallen out of touch, so if it’s moved we’ve got no forwarding address. If it’s not in the patch of sky we’ve aimed for, we’re f**ked.

“Worst case scenario we’ll dig the old Kubrick sets out of storage. Hell, it worked in 1969.”

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'Fraid not, says Murdoch

RUPERT Murdoch has told Donald Trump that he will not win the presidency in 2024 as he has another candidate in mind. 

Following Trump’s announcement that he will run to lead the US again, he received a short phone call from an Australian man telling him sorry, but no.

A spokesman for the 91-year-old who has decided who runs the US, Britain and Australia for the last 40 years said: “He should have consulted with us before he embarrassed himself. Rishi did.

“Ignore the announcement. Rupert’s chosen someone else to be the next president. He’s not happy with Biden, even though he’s followed orders to the letter, so we’re having the Florida dude.

“He thanked Mr Trump for his service and all, but he almost ruined the illusion of democracy with that insurrection, and Rupe likes the idiots to believe they’re in charge.

“Trump’s welcome to go back to reality TV, go to prison or die, and whatever he chooses we hope he enjoys himself. But president? Please.”

Ron DeSantis said: “I pledge to serve the Murdoch family, Rebekah Brooks and the interests of News International without fear or favour so help me God.”