SCIENTIST working on simulated brains have developed a model which shows the primitive insight and deductive reasoning of a Rio Ferdinand, it was claimed last night.
Unveiling the 'Blue Brain' computer, researchers said that while they were still decades away from a fully human level of intelligence, the latest model was able to argue outside a nightclub and promise to give 110% for the gaffer.
Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, said: "As soon as we switched it on it immediately insisted on listening to an R&B compilation and dressing like a tit.
"So while there is sufficient self-awareness to issue demands, it's not developed enough to realise that Akon is not actually music.
"Nevertheless it is a significant step forward even though to the layman it appears to be as thick as a bucket of dung."
Although current supercomputer brains are limited by processor conductivity and having to restart every time it's updated by Windows, Brubaker said: "Advances in miniaturisation could one day lead to your mobile phone refusing to communicate with your gobshite friends."
He added: "We're also working on a robotic module to carry the artificial brain, but our best effort so far does look a bit like Prince Charles trying to dance."
Other practical applications include the replacement of workers in repetitive jobs that require a minimum of concentration, leading to the scientific Holy Grail of tube drivers who are not greedy bastards.