Tax Accountants Order New Bentleys

BRITAIN'S tax accountants were last night gleefully flicking through brochures for the Bentley Continental GT after chancellor Alistair Darling unveiled radical plans to take more money from rich people.

As Mr Darling outlined his strategy to present the incoming Conservative government with an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with shit, tax accountants were locked in an intense debate over whether or not to go for the soft-top version.

Tom Booker, an accountant from London, said: "It's got a 'bluetooth' and something called 'multi-zone climate control'. Amazing. And look at all that leather. There must be at least nine cows in there."

He added: "Anyway, I must get on. Busy, busy, busy."

Following the chancellor's announcement the government of the Cayman Islands unveiled its plan to reclaim more than 20 square miles of the Caribbean Sea to construct the dozens of new buildings that will contain the tiny offices of thousands of shell companies set up by British tax accountants.

Meanwhile economists and art historians last night congratulated Mr Darling for presenting Britain's first ever surrealist budget.

Bill McKay, deputy director of the Tate Modern, said: "None of it makes sense. Not a single word. It was a very brave thing to do."

He added: "The growth forecast for 2011 is an avant-garde masterpiece. It's as if the budget has been written by Salvador Dali during a particularly hallucinogenic bout of tropical fever."

Julian Cook, chief economist at Madeley Finnegan, said: "I especially like the bit about wiping out the £1.4 trillion deficit by increasing tax for all domestic cats who earn more than £10,000 a year.

"We're really just talking about those cats that appear in television adverts and there can't be more than four of them."

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Dream Doctor Toby: He Interprets Your Dreams

Dear Dr Toby

I am driving down a dark, dimly-lit city street.  I get the feeling I am going the wrong way, but the road is too narrow and the walls too high to turn myself around. Eventually I see an opening in the wall up ahead. I manoeuvre myself in to it and turn the car around, facing the direction I feel I want to be heading in.

But every time I pull out and begin heading in that direction a massive juggernaught comes crashing in to me, and at this point I always wake up.

I wonder if it has anything to do with my work life? I have been doing the same boring job since I left university, but recently had the chance to leave and go and do something I’ve always wanted to do with the mentally handicapped, but I was persuaded to stay by a quite significant raise.

I wasn’t sure at the time, and now I regret it. Could this have a bearing on the dream?

I look forward to your comments

Charles (Andover, Wilts)


Hello Charles,
You sound like you are in a very conflicted place right now and it is weighing heavily on your subconscious. 

You have pointed to areas in your work life and career that you may be unhappy with, decisions that you have made which you regret, these would appear to correspond with the circumstances of your dream.

The fact that you are heading down a street where you have no room for manoeuvre  shows that you feel as though your life is headed in a direction over which you have no control and that even if you manage to head the right way your hopes and dreams will be crushed by the oncoming ‘Juggernaut’ of life’s pressures.

However, for me, this interpretation is too literal, sometimes dreams are not just simple allegories for problems in your waking life.

I believe that this dream may in fact be masking the real anxieties, anxieties that appear, at least to an expert such as myself, related to questions of sexuality.

The dim, dark, narrow passage, the feeling that at the moment you are ‘going the wrong way’ these all point to homosexual tendencies that you have suppressed for far too long.

I suggest that you quit your job and perhaps take a voluntary position working with other like minded men, maybe even traveling somewhere exotic like San Francisco or Sydney.

Hope this helps,

Dr Toby