Asteroid headed straight for self-centred astronomer

AN egotistical scientist has claimed that a mountain-sized asteroid is headed right at him.

Bearing a grudge

Although existing data only seems to indicate a possible strike somewhere on Earth within the next 70 years, Dr Bill McKay is adamant that he personally is directly in the firing line.

McKay said: “121 Cerberus has a nickel-iron core, a rocky surface and has been making a beeline for me ever since passing Saturn, the crater-faced bastard.

“It’s going to hit me full on the forehead and then bounce off and hit my Honda Civic, which I only got last week.

“It’s not the first time. 367943 Duende missed my flat by a mere 21,000 miles, then UX2 hit a Russian site I’d been visiting only six weeks before. Sooner or later it’s going to happen.”

McKay’s colleagues tried to reject his calculations for their obvious me-me-me bias but have been forced to admit that the universe has it in for him.

Emeritus professor Emma Bradford said: “When dealing with distances of millions of miles, it’s hard to make concrete predictions, but that asteroid seems to hate McKay just as much as we do.

“This has started a fascinating new line of research positing that the dinosaurs were big-headed twats.”

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Putting on coat renamed ‘deploying personal anti-elements shield’

THE government has advised using wildly exaggerated militaristic terms for putting on warm clothes.

A spokesman said: “For surviving a weather bomb you need a personal anti-elements shield, or coat, a high density woollen neck protector – basically a scarf – and a wetness defence head unit, otherwise known as a hat.

“Ensure you perform a full equipment check before leaving the house as it might be windy or, even worse, rainy.”

He also recommended running quickly between buildings then crouching behind dustbins and shouting ‘weather zone clear’ while holding your mobile phone like a walkie-talkie.