Avatar brain implant creates moral idiots

A BRAIN implant inspired by the film Avatar gives recipients an incredibly simplistic moral outlook, it has emerged.

Originally intended to help victims of paralysis, the technology was found to have the side effect of making test subjects share heavy-handed moral messages with anyone who would listen.

Neuroscientist Stephen Malley said: “One subject was able to control a simple robot just by thinking about it, but couldn’t stop going on about how we don’t own our environment but merely hold it in trust for our children.

“He then explained patronisingly that all big corporations are evil, primitive people are noble and closer to nature, and love can overcome anything.

“Other test subjects expressed similar views, forcing me to sedate them all heavily before their half-baked hippy pseudo-philosophy stopped me vivisecting chimps.”

Malley said having a naïve, one-dimensional view of the world at first appeared to be a disadvantage in life, but could prove useful for people in anarcho-punk bands or the studio audience on Question Time.

Test subject Nikki Hollis said: “Mankind should stop thinking of new ways to kill each other, and start thinking of new ways to love each other.

“Alternatively all the good people could just decide who the bad people are and round them up and kill them.”

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Winter Olympics degenerates into Razzle magazine photoshoot

THE Winter Olympics has switched its focus from sport to softcore pornography.

As photos of female athletes naked except for skis and hats continue to emerge, organisers said today’s scheduled events were being postponed for the production of a Razzle magazine ‘Snow Crumpet’ special.

A Winter Olympics spokesman said: “We’ve concluded that female nudity is, and will always be, more popular than curling.

“But the pictures will be really nice and tasteful, on the theme of ‘lesbian snowball fight’. With professional make-up artists to make the girls feel a million dollars.”

He added: “Reaching for the top shelf in your newsagent is both great exercise and symbolises the Olympic spirit of striving for the pinnacle.”