Best Emoji won by one that looks like a penis

THE prestigious Emoji awards have given the emoji that most resembles a dick the top prize for the third year in a row.

The Nose beat the Eggplant and the Squirting Whale for Best Emoji, Most Useful Emoji, and Emoji That Most Looks Like A Dick at the glittering ceremony in London’s Guildhall.

Judge Mary Fisher said: “When you want to call someone a cock, suggest they could suck your cock or merely want the world to know you have a cock, this emoji is perfect.

“Today’s semi-literate teenagers don’t have the vocabulary to type ‘kiss my massive choad’, but they can send an emoji of lips, the classic nose, an explosion and then three drops of liquid.

“That’s a pictorial sequence nobody could fail to understand, or indeed to respond to sexually.”

Other winners included Bikini for Best Foreplay, XX-Eyes for Best Emotional State, and Waving Hand for Best Self-Abuse.

Student Tom Logan said: “I’ve used Lipstick, I’ve used Banana, I’ve even used Pointing Finger when I’m in the mood for foreplay, but I always come back to Nose.

“Initially the lack of a jizzing tip seems a painful omission, but actually that subtlety helps create a real sense of courtly romance when I’m wooing a lady through my iPhone.

“And, once we’ve consummated our relationships, I dump her by sending Toilet.”

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Porn 'age gates' appeal to teenage boys' innate sense of honour

AGE restrictions on pornography websites work because teenage boys are never deceitful, it has been claimed.

Regulators have called for adult websites to have a box on their home page where users enter their date of birth. Teenage boys have confirmed that this works because they live by an honour code similar to the knights of Camelot.

14-year-old Wayne Hayes said: “However strong the urge to look at images of sex and tits, I am always thwarted by the request for age confirmation.

“My integrity is much more important to me than seeing sexy older women actually doing it.

“Once I considered selecting an earlier birth year from the drop-down menu, but the sense of shame was so intense I could not click the mouse.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go and do some helpful tasks in my local community.”