Mothers warned not to get used to this

MUMS have been reminded that things will be straight back to normal after Sunday.

Children and husbands expressed concern that mothers might get big ideas after receiving a mid-priced box of chocolates and a card with the price sticker still on it.

13-year-old Stephen Malley said: “This Thornton’s selection box cost seven quid, split between me, my sister and my dad. Now that’s a pretty high-end gift. But the problem is that mum could start getting all above herself, thinking she’s a film star then not tidying all my shit up.

“You see it happen to people who win The X Factor, the limelight goes to their head and they forget where they came from.”

31-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I rely on my mum for free dogsitting and laundry services so I can’t have her getting big-headed.

“We’re taking her to Pizza Express but first thing on Monday I’m ringing her up, saying ‘It’s over now’ in a serious voice, then putting the phone down.”

Mother Mary Fisher said: “I already knew I was getting a Sam Bailey CD because it’s been sitting on the kitchen table unwrapped for a week. I have never expressed any interest in Sam Bailey.”

Cumberbatch Hamlet solves murder in first act

BENEDICT Cumberbatch’s Hamlet solves the murder of his father within 20 minutes.

The Barbican production of Shakespeare’s most lauded work, which usually details Hamlet’s descent into murderous insanity, will instead see him brilliantly proving his uncle was the killer in front of the whole Danish court.

A theatre spokesman said: “To our eternal shame, we’ve had to hire someone off the telly to do a play because it’s the only way to shift tickets.

“Benedict has re-imagined Hamlet as a thriller where he and Laertes, now a grumpy doctor played by that Gollum bloke, expose the killer using brilliant deductive logic based on a few strands of stray fabric in someone’s cloak.

“Then they save Ophelia and take over Denmark before finishing on an absurd cliffhanger.

“Still it’ll be better than the David Tennant Hamlet where it turned out he was his own father’s ghost all along because of ‘time travel’.”