Boffins Invent Self-Hoovering Floor

SCIENTISTS at Dundee University have patented what they claim is the world's first self-hoovering floor.

The ingenious device, backed by a £20m grant from Scottish Enterprise, looks like an ordinary floor but has thousands of small holes which are attached to a powerful vacuum motor stored in a cupboard.

At the flick of a switch the suction starts and anything within a five centimetre radius of each hole is removed quickly and cleanly.

Project director Dr Henry Brubaker said his team were now fixing the remaining few glitches in the system.

 "The main problem at the moment is that you have to leave the room when it's switched on otherwise you'll be stuck to the floor.

"We've also noticed that larger objects get stuck in the holes and this produces a noise that makes you want to die."

He added: "We're currently working with carpet manufacturers so that the holes in the carpets line up with the holes in the floor."

A Scottish Enterprise spokesman said: "This is a great investment. Within a few years anyone who doesn't have a self-hoovering floor will be shunned by decent society and forced to live under a bridge."

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Scotland To Ban Swearing In Public Places

THE Scottish Parliament is drawing up plans for a wide-ranging ban on swear words in public places.

Concerned at the effects of passive swearing on children, MSPs are compiling a list of words and phrases that will be banned in pubs, hospitals, police stations, art galleries, farmyards and the front – but not the back – of Transit vans.

The proposed legislation has the full support of First Minister Alex Salmond, a reformed swearer with a particular hatred of the phrase 'smug prick'.

But the plan has provoked a row over which words should be outlawed. Labour's Jack McConnell wants to give a high priority to 'fanny' while the Lib Dems insist more attention should be paid to 'cock' and 'arse'.

An SNP source said: "This is about culture change. Scotland has become known as the 'dirty, foul-mouthed, intimidating old man of Europe'.

"We hope to introduce the ban in summer when people are less likely to complain about the 'bloody weather' or say things like 'is it just me or is it fucking freezing in here?'

"All the really obvious words will be in there – plus a few surprises. At the moment 'piss' is on a knife edge."

Maureen Moore, co-ordinator of the Framework for the Eradication of Language that Causes Harm (FELCH) said: "Just the other day I was reading the Scotsman and came across the phrase 'huge, fat cock'.

"Okay, so it was an article about chickens but children don't know that do they? They just see 'huge, fat cock' and that's it, they're covered in filthy muckiness."

Moore added: "Swearing in enclosed places kills 20,000 people every day in this country. Seriously, you can look it up on the internet.

"We're not saying that people should not be allowed to swear. No, hang on a minute, that's exactly what we're saying."

But swearers' rights groups have reacted angrily to the plan. A spokesman for FUCKTHAT (Freedom to Utter Crap, Knickers, Toss, Horse's Arse and Twat), said: "It's a slippery fucking slope. Hitler eventually banned people from saying 'knob' and 'flaps'. Is that what you want? Is it?"