Johnson 'proof that we are all just sentient jizz' say experts

TORY leadership candiate Boris Johnson is a powerful reminder that when it comes down to it humans are just overgrown sperm, scientists have confirmed. 

The former Mayor of London and foreign secretaryhas a look and manner so close to a shuffling column of ejaculate that it is impossible, after contemplating him, to regard humanity as anything else.

Geneticist Dr Helen Archer said: “It’s humbling. And humiliating.

“I suppose we all know how humans are made and where we come from, but once in a generation somebody appears who really drives it home.

“Boris is essentially the ‘missing link’ between our idealised ideas about what homo erectus can aspire to and a stained, stiff sock under a teenage boy’s bed.

“It’s impossible to look at him without being reminded of the ignominy of our being and for that, the scientific community is thankful.”

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'Deep divisions in society' mostly just whinging twats

THE ‘deep divisions in society’ caused by Brexit are actually just various twats moaning on about stuff, experts now believe.

Research by the Institute for Studies found that ‘divided Britain’ is the invention of gullible people who pay too much attention to professional whiners.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We found that passionate Remainers and fervent Brexiters, the very people compaining about these ‘deep divisions’, were also very irate on other subjects.

“To wit: seatbelts, electric hobs, Yorkshire terriers, the price of Toblerones in duty free, the recent Avengers film, and Chicago Town deep pan pizzas having ‘too much sauce’. I mean, just don’t fucking buy them then.

“According to these people, the argument about whether skateboarding should be an Olympic sport is tearing Britain apart, because they’re melodramatic argumentative arseholes.”

Martin Bishop of Hartlepool said: “People round here feel totally alienated by the London-centric decision-making process. Also why isn’t Star Trek: The Next Generation on BBC2 anymore?

“And why is it you can get a four-pack of lager, but never a five-pack for when you might fancy one more? We’re on the brink of civil war about that.”