Johnson ‘proof that we are all just sentient jizz’ say experts

TORY leadership candiate Boris Johnson is a powerful reminder that when it comes down to it humans are just overgrown sperm, scientists have confirmed. 

The former Mayor of London and foreign secretaryhas a look and manner so close to a shuffling column of ejaculate that it is impossible, after contemplating him, to regard humanity as anything else.

Geneticist Dr Helen Archer said: “It’s humbling. And humiliating.

“I suppose we all know how humans are made and where we come from, but once in a generation somebody appears who really drives it home.

“Boris is essentially the ‘missing link’ between our idealised ideas about what homo erectus can aspire to and a stained, stiff sock under a teenage boy’s bed.

“It’s impossible to look at him without being reminded of the ignominy of our being and for that, the scientific community is thankful.”