Britain wonders if any television will ever be big enough

BRITONS have realised that there is no theoretical limit to the size of the television they would buy. 

As 55in televisions become standard and 85in televisions increasingly loom over Britain’s future, the country has agreed there is no need to stop there.

Donna Sheridan of Hereford said: “What’s better in life than telly? Nothing, right? So why restrain ourselves?

“Apparently these new 8K TVs look as real as real life. That isn’t enough for me. We’ve got to go much, much realer.

“Ideally, I’d like a whole wall of a room to be an image of such glowing, pin-perfect perfection that the rest of the world fades away by comparison, an image I could step into but never do.

“Then I’ll use it to watch an episode of Frasier and it’ll look like absolute dogsh*t.”

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Tory MP apologises for letting Greenpeace protester live

THE Conservative MP accused of assaulting a Greenpeace protester has apologised to fellow dinner guests for not using lethal force. 

Mark Field protected fellow diners from the risk of a person who they may not have agreed with by removing her safely by the neck, but admitted he was criminally negligent for not bringing a weapon with him.

He continued: “I should never have gone to the annual Merchants and Bankers Dinner at Mansion House without being tooled up. What was I thinking?

“I’ve got a whole arsenal at home – pull the Thatcher memoir from the shelves, the wall opens up, 31 guns and 18 edged weapons, backlit – but I had to use my hands, and Parliament’s made me soft.

“What I should have done? Backwards out of the chair, tuck and roll, two warning shots into the torso, tuck and roll into cover, blindfire six rounds, tuck and roll, double-tap to the head.

“Bish bosh. Job done. Round of applause.”

When informed that he may be charged with assault, Field said: “But she’s a lefty.”