British iPhone To Include A Sense Of Fair Play - And Racism

THE British version of the Apple iPhone will come with an inbuilt stiff upper lip, a sense of fair play – and racism.

Apple has loaded all UK phones with its new iMigrant® software which makes the handset and its user immediately suspicious of anyone from abroad who looks and talks funny.

If used by anyone who speaks foreign or uses heavily accented English the iMigrant® application will report their whereabouts to the Home Office and local fire bombing vigilantes.

Steve Jobs, Apple CEO, said: “These people come over here, clean our toilets and drive our buses. Now they want our phones too. On the NHS. 

“Why can’t they stay put and talk to each other in their own stupid languages instead of coming over here and blowing themselves up and fixing my car?”

While the added racism is bound to make the iPhone a huge hit there are doubts over whether Apple has built enough specially modified British versions to meet demand.

According to leaks posted in Apple chatrooms this week the company has only shipped 10,000 iPhones fitted with right-hand drive to Britain ahead of this Friday’s launch.

Once these are gone customers will be forced to accept left-hand drive phones originally intended for the continent, even though they are not legal for use on British roads because their headlights dazzle other drivers.

Chris Nuts, an early adopter of Basildon, Essex, said: “Apple is saying I can fix this easy by buying headlamp stickers from Halfords. Is it a Paki shop?”

Robert Kilgour, a glasses wearer also of Basildon, said: “What happens if I get a wop phone and all it does is stink of grease and want to sleep with my sister?”

Daniel Craddock, an amateur pornographer, also of Basildon, said: “Every iPhone gets a grant for a new car, a five-bedroom house off the council and a million pounds from the lottery. I can’t even get me piles done. It’s a fucking disgrace.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Energy Cocktails Make You Shag All Night, Doctors Warn

MIXING alcohol with energy drinks stops you from falling asleep in discos and makes you fornicate like a rabbit, leading doctors warned last night.

Researchers found that people who downed the hugely popular mixer cocktails were hugely more likely to have drunken sex that went on for hours than those who just stuck to alcohol alone and could only manage it once.

Bill McKay, director of drink at the Institute of Drink, said: “You really should not touch these things at all, not unless you want to expose yourself to a huge risk of drink and sex binges that go on all night long.”

According to Dr. McKay, mixing popular energy drinks like Red Bull with various forms of strong spirit produces a complex chemical reaction in the brain which ensures that even repulsive people still regularly end up in bed.

He said: “Mixed together they trigger a number of receptors in the frontal lobes linked to desire and bad vision. So at the end of the night anyone still standing is guaranteed a leg-over, even the munters.

"These things are the best thing to happen to ugly people since the invention of booze itself. Why didn’t we have them when I was at college?” 

Researchers quizzed thousands of university students on their drinking habits and found most had ended up in bed having sex for hours after consuming an energy alcohol mixture, but usually with someone revolting.

Liam Halligan, 23, said: “I went home with Kylie, and woke up with something that looked like a pig in knickers. I’ll never touch the stuff again.”

Mary Quinn, 22, said: “I woke up covered in pus because all his spots exploded when he went off. I'll never touch him again."