Broadband providers push 'slow internet' movement

SLOW internet speeds promote mindfulness and a love of nature, according to leading broadband companies.

The Slow Internet Federation, a collective of the UK’s leading broadband suppliers, believes reduced internet speeds encourage a calmer, more philosophical mindset.

A spokesman said: “It’s all about appreciating small amounts of data, as we used to in simpler, more rustic times when everyone dressed like Thomas Hardy characters.

“It’s about putting quality ahead of instant gratification. For example, internet users at the moment are gorging themselves on mediocre cat videos.

“We’re saying it’s better to just look at a still image of one really, really nice cat.”

Plumber Tom Logan said: “I thought my internet connection was just a piece of shit. Now I realise I’m just part of a philosophic movement.

“I must admire this lovely flower while my Youporn video buffers.”

Internet user Joanna Kramer said “I’m online all the time, and I know it can’t be good for me. I’ve wasted whole Sundays just constructing hate filled comments to leave under the pictures on the Rich Kids Of Instagram feed.

“I’d love to join the slow internet movement, but I can’t find enough information to get started. Their web page takes so fucking long to load.”

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The Mash guide to internet passwords

THE password to all your money is probably your surname or dog’s name with ’01’ after it.

Most Britons lack the tiny amount of imagination required to think up a credible password. Here’s the Mash guide to protecting your cyber-assets:

It’s too easy to guess a password if it’s the name of something you love, like your partner or your favourite sandwich. Instead use as your password something that you fucking hate, like your ex-partner or his dog that you ran over.

If you must use something you love, choose something that nobody knows about your passion for, like your favourite actor in early 90s erotic thrillers. Actually, that’s perfect. Everyone just use Shannon Tweed.

Instead of using an easily guessable string of numbers like 123456, use something complicated and difficult to work out, like the square root of 15,241,383,936.

Alternatively 5318008 upside-down on a calculator spells BOOBIES.

The most secure passwords are mnemonics, where the initial letters of a phrase spell it out. Prince Acting Super-Sexy Won’t Orally Reciprocate, Damn is a pretty unbreakable one.

Choose a nine-letter word, jumble it up, and replace four of the letters with numbers that multiplied together make 334. Although this won’t stop Rachel Riley off Countdown’s persistent attempts to hack your Gmail account.