Facebook exodus begins

YOUNG people have begun leaving Facebook in the hope of finding a better virtual life elsewhere.

The exodus, which has grown from a trickle to a flood, has no clear destination in mind but dreams of a social network where comforting platitudes are not so easily shared.

18-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “Somewhere out there, somewhere through the malware-infested data mountains of the darknet, is a place where we can be together and communicate without being asked to click on an optical illusion.

“A place where we don’t face condemnation for not Liking a made-up story about a made-up kid with cancer, where our employers can’t see how drunk we were last night.

“It will be a long, difficult dangerous journey, but it needs to be so our parents can’t follow us.”

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My lesbian porn stash has been discovered, am I going to Hell?

Dear Holly,

I’m quite embarrassed as my stash of lesbian porn has been discovered. My wife won’t mind but Jesus probably will. Am I going to hell?

Charlie Brooks

Chipping Norton

Dear Charlie,

Perhaps a more important question is why are all lady PE teachers lesbians? Is it part of the requisite training for the job? Or something to do with wearing sportswear all day long? I’ve always wondered. As for nudey books, why would you need a secret stash when you can just watch MTV? My granny says the minds of little girls today are being warped by the likes of Rhianna and Beyoncé, who are nothing more than porn stars themselves… but then again she also thinks Jeremy Paxman is the Prime Minister.

Hope that helps!