Low crime rates mean benefits too high, say confused right-wingers

CRIME will continue to fall as long as benefits remain too generous, according to right-wingers who have no idea what they want anymore.

Latest crime figures show a 10% drop, prompting critics of social welfare to demand that jobseekers allowance is slashed until people are forced to behave like animals.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “There’s still plenty of unemployment out there and yet my house is still full of lovely, expensive things.

“The only reason that infrared motion detector has never been used is because none of the scumbags need to get their filthy hands on my telly.”

He added: “I’ll only be convinced that my tax money has not been used for molly-coddling when I’m standing in my hallway, in a karate stance, as a gang of snarling, feral youths kick down my door.

“Actually, that sounds awful.”

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Devon launches 'Absolutely crawling with beaver' tourism campaign

DEVON is promoting itself as the top holiday destination for lovers of beaver.

The county’s tourist board is using the slogans ‘So much beaver it’s mental’ and ‘Our beaver is ready to play’ to advertise the sighting of a beaver on its riverbanks.

A spokesman said: “Obviously for a lot of holidaymakers the top priority is beaver. Lots and lots of beaver.

“Can they see beaver up close? Really get involved with the wet, wild beaver?

“If you’re coming to Devon for the beaver, you’re coming to the right place.

“Because a beaver lives here.”

Teacher Roy Hobbs said: “I quite like beavers but personally I’m more excited by sleek otters and big muscular bears.

“Not because I’m homosexual, it’s just that as a keen amateur naturalist I find carnivores more interesting.”