Police to tackle ‘concerted indiscipline’ with ‘concerted hydration’

THE police could soon deploy maximised hydration techniques to stop concerted indiscipline by Britain’s social stakeholders.

The force wants to de-incentivise negative street-based behaviour patterns using a high-impact, customer-facing water delivery strategy.

The Metropolitan Police said it will outsource its hydro-dynamic action plan to security consultants G4S, to ensure the holistic implementation of pro-active dispersal.

A G4S spokesman said: “In the event of concerted indiscipline the police need a range of operational techniques that result in highly effective levels of physical impactfulness.

“The high speed water delivery strategy can also be utilised alongside established methods such as cranial-focused truncheonisation.”

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American Hustle audiences can't work out which decade it's set in

CONFUSED cinemagoers have criticised American Hustle for its ambiguous historical context.

They claim the Oscar-nominated movie, which features a character wearing an open-chested white suit with a gold medallion visiting a disco, has no clear affiliation to any time period.

Father-of-two Wayne Hayes said: “I couldn’t concentrate on the scene where Christian Bale, with groovy collar-length hair over his wide-lapelled velvet jacket, was berating Jimmy Carter’s inflation policies.

“Why? Because all I could think was ‘Is this the 90s? Or the noughties, or the 80s?’

“I’m prepared to expend some mental energy on a film, but not this much.”

Carolyn Ryan of Congleton agreed: “It didn’t have a Rubik’s Cube in, so it probably wasn’t the 80s.

“I thought the soundtrack might help me pinpoint the era, but I couldn’t find any correlation between tracks by the Bee Gees, Donna Summer, Wings, and David Bowie. Who could?”

Film critic Julian Cook said: “Christ, it’s perfectly obvious that it’s set in the 1970s. There’s even a caption at the beginning saying it’s 1978.

“So now we know when it’s set. But I still haven’t worked out where.”